Win Your Husband Back/ Win Your Wife Back By Doing These 10 ...

How to Save Your Marriage Even When You’re the Only One Trying

If your spouse wants out—or isn’t interested in repairing the marriage—you’re probably feeling fear, panic, sadness, anger, and confusion. You might even be searching for some sign that things aren’t truly over.

The truth? A checked-out spouse can come back. We see it every day.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to approach this moment. The wrong approach pushes them further away. The right approach reopens the door to connection.

💛 Many people start this search alone. You’re not crazy, and you’re not overreacting.

If your marriage feels heavy, confusing, or lonely, a private **2-day intensive retreat** can help you get clarity quickly — with or without a willing partner.

👉 Learn about our **5-Step Marriage Intensive** and what you can realistically expect.

Below is your 10-Step Challenge to winning your spouse back, plus a new framework, scripts, red-flag mistakes to avoid, a self-diagnostic checklist, and what to do when things get worse before they get better.

Before we dive into your original 10 steps, it helps to understand the roadmap:

The 3 Stages of Reconnection

Stage 1: Stabilize the Relationship

(Stop the bleeding, remove panic, lower defensiveness)→ Steps 1–4

Stage 2: Rebuild Safety & Emotional Trust

(Create space, empathy, and curiosity)→ Steps 5–8

Stage 3: Reopen Connection & Renew Hope

(Spark appreciation, friendship, and long-term change)→ Steps 9–10

BEFORE YOU START: Avoid These “Marriage Killers” When Trying to Win a Spouse Back

These are the mistakes that almost guarantee rejection:

❌ Begging❌ Repeated emotional talks❌ “We need to talk” speeches❌ Love-bombing❌ Threatening to leave❌ Texting too much❌ Asking family/friends to intervene❌ Apologizing excessively❌ Defending yourself❌ Trying to “logic” them back❌ Smothering with attention

These are guaranteed to push your spouse further into withdrawal.

Self-Diagnostic Checklist: Are You Accidentally Making Things Worse?

Check anything that applies:

• ☐ I’ve been trying to “convince” my spouse not to leave

• ☐ I explain myself too much when he/she is emotionally shut down

• ☐ I talk about the relationship more than my spouse can tolerate

• ☐ I over-apologize

• ☐ I panic when my spouse pulls away

• ☐ I criticize or nitpick

• ☐ I keep asking if he/she still loves me

• ☐ I get angry when I feel ignored

• ☐ I’ve involved family instead of working privately

If you checked 3+, your current strategy is unintentionally pushing your spouse away.

The steps below correct that.

THE 10-STEP CHALLENGE TO WIN YOUR SPOUSE BACK

1. Give Your Spouse Space

When your spouse checks out emotionally, begging and pleading will almost always push them further away. Space is essential.

What space communicates:✔ Respect✔ Emotional maturity✔ Personal strength✔ Non-neediness (which is attractive)

Script you can use:“I hear you. I respect your feelings. I’ll give you space, and I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

If you’re a husband whose wife has “quietly planned the divorce”:Your wife may be overwhelmed, exhausted, and silently resentful. Space is not abandonment—it’s a pressure release. Continue reading the next nine steps because space alone won’t fix things.

2. Take Ownership for Your Part

You can’t change your partner right now—you can only change you. As you become more aware of your role in the relationship, you can begin implementing positive changes. When your spouse sees you shift, he/she may respond in kind.

That means acknowledging:

• Your blind spots

• Your patterns

• Your disengagement

• The resentment you ignored

• The needs you didn’t meet

• The exits (work, hobbies, phone, distractions) you escaped into

Script:“I see now how I contributed to this distance. I’m working on myself, not to convince you of anything, but because I want to be better.”

Ownership is NOT groveling. It is strength.

3. Stop Nagging

Nagging is criticism disguised as reminders. It kills connection fast.

Instead of:“You never help around the house.”

Try:“I feel overwhelmed. Can we look at ways to share things differently?”

For husbands trying to win back wives:Become the friend she wishes you were—not the enemy she hides from.Zero criticism. Zero blaming. Zero chasing.

It makes sense that you would want to nag. After all, your spouse is not responsive to your requests. Examine the way you are asking for what you need and learn how to ask in a more positive way. When you continue to nag and push, your spouse will want to run the other way.

Even if your wife has completely given up on you, you’re going to need to work OVERTIME to become a more attentive and in-tune man. Become her friend. Be there for her when she is sick, help her even if she’s left you for another man!

We’ve heard a story of a man that resolved to become a friend for their wife (his ultimate goal was of course to stop their divorce and win her back), helping her to even move out of the house into another living situation with another man! Very extreme situation but in the end, the wife returned because felt like she could turn to her husband for anything and saw that their friendship would last through anything.

Men, No criticism, nagging, calling excessively, begging, pleading, buying gifts, seeking out help from her family members or friends, following her around, or acting needy. It’s almost like you need to completely nullify yourself and just be a true friend, empathetic without trying to fix or give advice, and performing consistent non-judgmental act of selflessness towards her, being cheerful and strong, like you’ve got no worries and will succeed at life despite any adversity that is thrown your way.

4. Zero negativity

In addition to nagging, regular old criticism can be a killer of relationships. Although it may seem normal to criticize, to blame or shame our spouse, such behavior can be extremely off-putting. No one wants to be on the receiving end of negativity. If you are upset about something, it’s imperative to learn how to share it in a way that expresses your feelings without putting the other down. Otherwise, it is toxic and poisons the relationship. Removing the negativity will show your spouse that your relationship can be different.

This means:

• No criticism

• No sarcasm

• No emotional outbursts

• No needling

• No guilt trips

Be the safest person in the room.

Why?Because negativity is the #1 cause of emotional shutdown.

Removing negativity creates an environment where your spouse can consider reconnecting.

5. Love languages

Learn how to love your spouse in the way she needs to feel loved. While you may feel like you have shown your spouse love over the years, if you aren’t speaking her language, many of your efforts will have been in vain. If you show your love through service such as making her a coffee in the morning, washing the dishes, or putting the kids to bed and her love language is words of affirmation, unless you express your love and appreciation through words, all of your hard work will not necessarily translate into love. Start loving her in the way she needs even if it’s not the way you typically express love. She’ll start to feel like you really care and it’s definitely something you should be doing if you want your wife back.

You may have been loving your spouse in YOUR language—not theirs.

Ask yourself:

• Does she need words?

• Does he need touch?

• Does she need help with daily tasks?

• Does he need admiration?

Now is the time to love them in the way they actually feel loved.

6. Catch your spouse doing something right

It’s so easy to see when your spouse is doing something wrong. It’s much harder to catch when he’s doing something right. Be on the lookout for that kind act or word and let him know how much you appreciate it. Instead of feeling like he can do nothing right in this relationship to the point where he has given up, he’ll begin to feel recognized and appreciated for all of the efforts he is making. Noticing and appreciating his efforts will remove the resentment and helplessness and reawaken hope.

Appreciation is disarming, especially during conflict.

Example:“Thank you for helping with the kids today. I noticed it, and it meant a lot.”

When appreciation increases, defensiveness decreases.

7. Learn how to listen

If your spouse has disengaged she probably is thinking, “why bother?” It often feels like there is no point engaging in a relationship when one partner feels unheard and/or misunderstood. Conversations cease, feelings are bottled up, and anger and resentment seethe forth. When you learn to listen to your spouse by really focusing on her without responding or reacting, she is likely to finally feel that you actually care about what she has to say more than about what you have to say. She can get her words out without fear of retort or invalidation. She can finally feel heard and understood. Learning how to listen even if you disagree is a huge step towards differentiation and acknowledging the otherness of your spouse. When your spouse begins to feel like you really value her as a person, she is more apt to want to be a part of such a relationship.

Listening is the SINGLE most powerful tool to win a spouse back.

Use the Imago-inspired structure:

1. Mirror

2. Validate

3. Empathize

Script:“What I hear you saying is…It makes sense that you feel that way…I imagine that feels ____…”

Listening dissolves resentment faster than apologies. 

8. Have compassion

It’s hard living with a spouse who is disengaged or contemplating leaving. You want him to stay but you also have a hard time dealing with your own hurt feelings. This, in turn, will often provoke you to behave in a counterproductive way. Break this dynamic by having compassion for your spouse. As much as your feelings are valid, your spouse has their own experience. Neither is right or wrong. As you imagine the pain your spouse is feeling or you think about what might be motivating his behavior, awaken compassion in your heart. Picture that little boy who just wants to be loved and valued. Deep inside that adult exterior there is an innocent little boy. Feel his pain and make sense of why he may be acting out of hurt. This will help you transform the way you see him by replacing judgement with curiosity.

Ask yourself:

• What wound is being triggered?

• What story from their childhood is getting replayed?

• What pain is underneath their anger or avoidance?

Compassion softens both partners.

9. Stop the drama

When you are feeling all alone in your relationship, it’s tempting to get others involved especially when your spouse isn’t interested in working together with you. Beware as the more that get involved, the more drama. This often backfires and serves to push away your spouse even more. While you may want to have a close friend to help you through this, getting family members involved or calling his friends to convince him to engage in the marriage is not always the best idea. Get the support you need but don’t create a three ring circus.

Too many people sabotage their marriage by involving:

• Their mother

• Their siblings

• Their spouse’s siblings

• Their spouse’s friends

• The rabbi/pastor/therapist as “judge”

Drama pushes spouses into defensiveness.

You can have a support person—just don’t create a coalition.

10. Give it up to G-d

Ultimately, you can’t control another person, their thoughts, feelings or decisions. You can do the best you can to make an effort to be a healthy and loving partner and this may right a lot of past wrongs. At some point, though, we must let go and let G-d open up our partner’s heart to allow our positive gestures to penetrate his/her heart. Prayer will help our efforts have greater impact and faith will allow us to feel at peace with the effort we have invested.

Living with a spouse who is unwilling to work on the relationship or even threatening divorce is lonely, scary, and painful. It’s quite easy to give up hope as it may seem impossible to change someone else’s mind. Surprisingly, there is still a lot you can do on your end to give your relationship another chance.

In short: Become a person that is committed to your marriage even when she’s not, and seal any energy that leaks from your marriage. Sometimes there are other things you’ve directed your attention to in an effort to “get away” from your spouse. Identify them and stop repeating the avoidant pattern.

Become a person that is not critical or negative in any way even if he/she says mean or nasty things. He/she is probably hurting and saying these things to see how you’ll respond. Your partner is likely testing you to see if you’re the same old spouse he/she first decided to love.

Become more knowledgeable about how to listen without trying to fix or excuse your behavior and take FULL responsibility, and learn to woo your partner again. By working on ourselves we can show our spouse the potential and hope for something better and create a safe space where love and connection can once again flourish.

Your effort matters, but you cannot force transformation.

Letting go:

• Releases panic

• Softens your energy

• Attracts your spouse back instead of repelling them

• Restores peace to your home atmosphere

Faith + Action > Fear + Control.

What If There’s Another Person in the Picture?

(Affair, emotional affair, coworker, friend, online connection)

• Don’t interrogate

• Don’t threaten

• Don’t spy

• Don’t attack the affair partner

• Don’t force a confession

Instead:Rebuild safety, reliability, calm, and compassion.Affairs end when connection at home increases.

We see this all the time.

What If Things Get Worse Before They Get Better?

This is normal.

Your spouse may:

• Seem colder

• Pull away

• Say hurtful things

• Test your consistency

• Question your change

• Try to provoke old patterns

This is not failure.This is your spouse watching to see:“Is this real?”

Stay steady.

Helpful vs. Unhelpful Responses

Unhelpful	Helpful
Begging	Calm validation
Over-texting	Giving space
Interrupting	Mirroring
Threatening	Boundaries + kindness
Over-apologizing	Ownership + action
Defensiveness	Curiosity
Emotional dumping	Structured communication

When to Consider a Marriage Retreat or Professional Help

If you can ask for a last ditch effort to gain clarity even though your spouse has “checked out” a marriage intensive is your best shot since you’re not just hoping that the one session they might agree too will be the answer to fixing things. The 2-day retreat compresses 6 months of therapy into one weekend so you actually have some time.

It is overwhelming to feel like you’re the only one trying. But you can shift the dynamic—many of our clients did exactly that.

Key Takeaways

• You can influence the direction of your marriage even if your spouse is currently checked out — small, consistent changes matter more than grand gestures.
• Giving space, reducing negativity, and stopping nagging lowers defensiveness and opens the door for reconnection.
• Taking full ownership of your part of the breakdown is one of the most powerful ways to shift the dynamic.
• Speaking your spouse’s love language and catching them “doing something right” rebuilds emotional safety.
• Compassion + listening (without reacting, defending, or fixing) is often the turning point for checked-out spouses.
• Removing drama and refusing to involve others protects the relationship and reduces resistance.
• Growing spiritually, emotionally, and personally helps you show up as the safe, grounded partner your spouse can trust again.
• Many spouses “test” behavior before trusting — consistency is more important than intensity.
• Working on yourself first naturally creates space for your spouse to soften and re-engage.

FAQ: Winning Your Husband or Wife Back

Q1: Can I really save my marriage alone?

Yes — many marriages turn around because one partner starts showing up differently. Changes in tone, emotional safety, and reliability often shift the entire dynamic, softening the resistant spouse over time.

Q2: What if giving space makes my spouse pull away more?

Giving space doesn’t mean disappearing — it means removing pressure, not removing presence. You stay calm, warm, and available without chasing.

Q3: How long does it take to win a spouse back?

It varies. Most spouses begin to soften after 4–12 weeks of consistent, non-defensive, non-nagging behavior.Consistency > speed.

Q4: What if my spouse is already talking to a lawyer or planning separation?

There is still hope. Many partners mentally “check out” because they lost hope, not love. When the environment becomes safe again, they often reconsider.

Q5: Should I push for counseling if my spouse refuses?

No. Pushing creates resistance.Instead, work the steps on your own. When your spouse experiences safety and change, they are much more open to structured help.

Q6: How do I show love without looking needy?

Through calm consistency:

• Kind actions
• No pressure
• No guilt
• No chasing
• No over-explaining

Quiet strength is magnetic.

Q7: What if my spouse says they have “no feelings left”?

Feelings return through safety, not pressure. Emotional numbness is a symptom of overwhelm, resentment, or exhaustion — not a permanent state.

Q8: When is it time to accept that the marriage cannot be saved?

If there is ongoing abuse, untreated addiction with no willingness to change, or total refusal to engage for many months.But most marriages can turn around long before that point — especially with structure.

Sources

1. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
2. Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
3. Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want. St. Martin’s Griffin.
4. Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass.
5. Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). “Research on the treatment of couple distress.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
6. Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Fincham, F. D. (2006). “Understanding Commitment in Marriage.” Journal of Family Theory & Review.
7. Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). “Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat.” Psychological Science.
8. Whisman, M. A. & Uebelacker, L. A. (2006). “Impairment and distress associated with relationship discord.” Journal of Family Psychology.