10 Reasons Why New Jersey Is Better Than New Hampshire

They think they’re better than us!

By “they,” we mean everyone. All 49 other states, who regularly use New Jersey as a punchline and have contributed to our notorious ranking as the most hated state in America.

But if you live in New Jersey, you know this is all hogwash (not the hogwash used in pork roll production, the other hogwash).

Everybody here knows New Jersey is freaking awesome. So awesome, in fact, we’re pretty sure it’s the greatest state in the country. But we need proof.

Fueled by blind Jersey pride, we are setting out to systematically pit the Garden State against every other state — yes, all 49 — to explain exactly how and why we are simply the best. One battle per week, published each Monday. Stay tuned.

Last week, we dutifully roasted Massachusetts. Before that, we took on Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania and Delaware.

Now, we’re going after New Hampshire, a state of primaries, fisher cats and terrible bagels.

Here’s 10 reasons why we’re better than New Hampshire:

1. Have you guys ever been to New Hampshire? We choose to believe you haven’t because why would you when New Jersey is right here in all its splendor!

2. New Hampshire is just kind of there, isn’t it? It’s not as scenic as Vermont and lacks the definitive culture of Massachusetts — at least those people have an identity, albeit a wicked bad one.

3. That whole “live free or die” motto is way too intense. It’s also incorrect: In America, everyone lives free, then dies.

4. New Hampshire’s best bagels come from Dunkin’ Donuts. A real New Hampshire person told us this. Yikes. This person also told us New Hampshire pizza is an abomination unto the grease lords (okay, we’re paraphrasing, but he said it was bad).

5. New Jersey has Bruce Springsteen. New Hampshire has JoJo, who we assume couldn’t wait to “Leave (Get Out)” of her home state. Because it’s New Hampshire.

6. New Hampshire is famous for the New Hampshire primaries, which are dumb. The winner of the democratic primary failed to win the nomination in three of the last four elections. Shows what you know, New Hampshirites!

7. New Hampshire isn’t technically landlocked, but it might as well be. It has a lousy 18 miles of shoreline! We drive 18 miles down the Jersey Shore just to avoid the Bennies.

8. New Hampshire’s biggest sports draw is the Fisher Cats, a minor league baseball team. Please google “fisher cat.” They are cute but TERRIFYING. We’ll stick with the Devils, Jets and Giants, thanks.

9. Portsmouth is basically Red Bank with overpriced lobster rolls. I (Bobby) had a very unsatisfying bowl of chowder in Portsmouth once and I’m still upset about it.

10. Dartmouth is the Ringo Starr of Ivy League schools. Yeah, it’s part of the group, but like, who cares? Princeton forever.

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Bobby Olivier may be reached at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @BobbyOlivier and Facebook.

Jeremy Schneider may be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter at @J_Schneider and on Instagram at @JeremyIsHungryAgain.