A Guide To Dating As A Trans Woman | Dazed

YES, THERE ARE MEN WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO TRANS WOMEN – NO, THEY’RE NOT GAY

One of the weirdest things I have found myself explaining to cisgender friends in the past year is that I would not be expecting to date or have sex with gay men. I used to, yes, but that was because I was living in the wrong gender role, honey. Gay men are attracted to men and often to the physical signifiers of masculinity. I am spending quite a lot of money on hair removal and growing a pair of tits – why would gay men be attracted to someone who is female? One of the big adjustments in transition if you previously lived as a gay man is realising that gay men are not your dating pool any more. It’s a shame, as I like gay men a lot and, of course, there are some self-identified gay men who will take a dip in the bisexual pool, but on the whole I’ve literally kissed goodbye to the gays and become the world’s largest fag-hag.

Another thing I have to explain is that attraction to a trans woman doesn’t make a man gay. Sometimes you even have to explain it to the man himself, which is very tedious. Two weeks ago a drunk guy made out with me in a club then asked if it made him gay. I replied “No, it doesn’t make you anything. It’s not all about you.” As I have written before, transgender porn is the only area of the commercial porn industry not in recession. There are literally millions of straight men who find trans women arousing – maybe even your dad, for example.

JUST BECAUSE MEN FANCY YOU, IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY RESPECT YOU

Sadly, this is something trans women share with women in general. Yes, it’s an honourable mention for the damn patriarchy – which teaches many men to expect women to all be slim, under 30, hairless and willing to behave like a cock-hungry nymphomaniac on cue. Part of the problem is that sometimes porn is the only lens that men have seen trans women through, and they forget that any woman in porn is presenting a fantasy. Most of the time when I am talking to men on dating apps, I am sweeping pizza crumbs off my chest on the sofa. I am not curled seductively like a Victoria’s Secret model cooing with delight at whatever flaccid dick pic a man has decided to bestow upon me without even a ‘hi’. Sometimes, men find this disappointing.

It’s also important for your self-esteem to get a sense of whether a man would actually be seen with you in public. A lot of men are ashamed of their desire for trans women, and it’s important to swerve them no matter how much they call you beautiful from behind a blank dating profile. Even this isn’t always foolproof. Meet this guy below, who asked me out on a date a few weeks ago then told me just as we were arranging it that he already had a girlfriend.

Dating as a trans woman involves placing a high degree of self-worth upon yourself and your time, ladies. Of course, a sneaky fumble with a man can be fun if you just want sex, but it’s important to remember you deserve the basics of respect for the fact that you are not just some exotic fetish.