Finding A Dominant/submissive Play Partner | Offbeat Home & Life

Hi there, I need advice. Sexy advice.

I’m in a relationship where my partner is not interested in BDSM, but I am. I miss it. They can’t bring themselves to hit me — it makes them uncomfortable.

My partner has decided that they’re okay with me going to someone to help me with my needs. The problem is I don’t know how to do this!

It needs to be someone I don’t know, and they need to be very discreet. How do I find such a person?

I can help! This is actually a complicated question… maybe even more complicated than you realize. I’m happy that you and your partner have talked about boundaries. You mention that you miss it, so you are experienced in BDSM. I’m going to write this to try to help those who might not be as experienced, too. First we’ll talk about what to consider before engaging in a BDSM relationship, and then we’ll talk about finding one.

What’s BDSM mean to you?

Types of BDSM relationships

First off, let’s talk about what BDSM means. A widely-accepted definition of “BDSM” is “Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submissive, Sadism/Masochism.” It’s a very basic acronym for a very complex idea. Are you interested in being tied up or otherwise restrained (bondage)? Are you interested in punishment (discipline)? And is the type of punishment you’re interested in physical (e.g. spanking) or denial (e.g. orgasm denial) or something else? Are you submissive (what kind)? Are you a slave (do you know the difference)? What are your hard boundaries? Do you want to be humiliated or is that too far? If you’re submissive, are you also a masochist? Or are you a Dominant, and you want to be in control of someone else? Have you considered a purely text or phone-based BDSM relationship (as in, you never meet physically)? This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what to consider about you and BDSM. There are as many different types and levels of kinks as there are kinksters. [related_post]

Seeing as you mentioned that your partner isn’t into hitting you, I assume you enjoy pain. It might be worth it to think about other things that turn you on, and talk with your partner about those, too. If your partner isn’t into hitting, but you can both get turned on by nipple clamps, that would be a great realization to come to! If you already know your specific desire, let’s talk about things to consider when finding someone specifically to fulfill your BDSM needs.

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What to discuss with a potential play partner

So, you’re into receiving physical pain, specifically hitting. Consider what else you might be into that comes with that: do you want it to be as a result of a transgression (punishment), or as something you ask for (reward? training?). Are you interested in it being a humiliating over-the-knee spanking, or does that humiliation aspect turn you off? Do you want to be hit in different places on your body? Are there places you definitely don’t want to be hit? What I’m getting at with all these questions is this: there is a lot to consider when you’re looking for a BDSM play partner, especially a casual one, or a professional one.

Communication is paramount in absolutely any relationship, but it’s especially necessary in a BDSM dynamic, particularly when there’s no romantic relationship and you won’t be just talking out feelings with your play partner. (For more on communication, check out this post I wrote about my own experience BDSM and open marriage.) When you find a BDSM play partner, you’re approaching someone with a wish list. You need to figure out what’s on that wish list. In order to do that, you could:

• Read erotica
• Watch porn
• Join forums
• Make a separate Twitter and/or Tumblr and talk to people in the BDSM community
• Make a list of things that you’re interested in, and a list of things you definitely don’t want to do (these are called your hard limits).

Remember that the most important part about BDSM is safety. Never start a session without discussing safe words. Always respect your partner’s boundaries. Always respect your own boundaries — don’t push yourself farther than you are comfortable. If you’re new to a certain activity, research the hell out of it before trying it, and discuss the research with your potential play partner. Be fully aware of the mental toll BDSM takes. Any session you have has to end with aftercare in some form for everyone’s well-being.

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Finding a BDSM play partner

Professionals

Professional Dominants are sex workers you hire to dominate you. Note that some dungeons have professional subs, too, but that these are more rare.

Here’s an experiment: Google “dominatrix” and your city name right now (I’ll wait). If your city is big enough, you’ll probably return results from the web pages of professional Dominants. Yes, it’s as easy as Googling it. The pages explain their services, their rates, their rules. Read these pages and get a sense for what goes on when you hire a professional. Sometimes they work at a dedicated space (like a dungeon) with others. Sometimes they meet you at a hotel. Some specialize in humiliation, others specialize in bondage, others specialize in spanking. Peruse the sites and figure out which professionals might be a good fit. Contact them through the method listed on their site.

Of particular note when you consider hiring a professional is that generally, they don’t offer sex. The reason for this is obvious: in most places, it’s illegal. However, paying someone to tie you up and tell you you’re a dirty girl isn’t illegal. Hooray! Evidently, though, if you’re looking for BDSM to be part of actual sex, you’re not going to get it through hiring a professional.

As the name implies, these people are in the business of BDSM. They have strict rules and regulations. You’ll be instructed about what the safe words are, you’ll have to dress in a certain way, and you will be told what is and what is not permissible to do during a session. This is a very particular type of session that is not for everyone, but it could be perfect for someone who wants to make sure that sex and the social aspects of a relationship are completely separate. However, it’s expensive.

Non-professional D/s relationships

If you don’t want to hire a professional, it is possible to find a Dominant or submissive play partner who is interested purely in play and not a romantic or social relationship. The best way to find this is through a website designed to facilitate meetings between like-minded fetishists.FetLife is a website where you can create a profile and find other people in your area. You can see what their fetishes are, and you can contact each other and go from there. FetLife also organizes completely vanilla meet-ups so that members can meet face-to-face without any pressure. I’ve had success finding play partners on vanilla social networks, too — particularly for long-distance, text-based/Skype-based BDSM. Some cities will have “dungeons” where interested parties can go to meet (sometimes through invitation only) and engage in sex on the premises.

Obviously, you need to be extremely careful and exercise caution when meeting someone from the internet. I’m not going to go into this here, but it should be evident that this is even more important when the point to your rendezvous is sexual in nature — and doubly so when there is potential for restraining, pain, etc.

Another thing to consider is that BDSM relationships, even when they’re not romantic, have a mental aspect to them that can be extremely intense (there’s a reason I’m not referring to these as “casual relationships”). It’s important to think about this before entering a BDSM situation with someone — whether it be a one-time session or a full-fledged relationship– and to discuss (again! communication!) the limits to your relationship. Think about the complications of a “fuck buddy” and then add on to that the dynamics of a Dominant/submissive relationship and, in your case, your relationship with your partner. That’s a lot to handle. It’s doable, but it takes a lot of work.

Bottom line

Haha, BDSM pun. It can be extremely rewarding to find a BDSM play partner or hiring a professional. You need to be mentally prepared for the relationship, and you need to do your research. You need to keep your own safety and your partner’s as the top priority.

Has anyone had success finding a D/s play partner? We’d love to hear particularly from Homies who have opened their relationship to do so.

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Guest Post By: Sloane Adelaide

Sloane Adelaide is into sex and academia.