Frustration With The Implication That Coffee Means Sex?

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ToS // Contact Info // AVEN Fundraiser and Volunteering frustration with the implication that coffee means sex? Tralfamadore

By Tralfamadore March 5, 2006 in Asexual Musings and Rantings

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Tralfamadore

Posted March 5, 2006

Tralfamadore

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Posted March 5, 2006

remember that seinfeld episode when george goes on a date with his girlfriend, and she invites him up for coffee, and he says "nah, I have to get up early tomorrow"? he drives away frustrated he didn't get even a kiss, but then learns coffee means sex? yeah.

okay. solidplatonics "coming out" thread.....some of you said that most people would assume that hanging out would lead to sex, or that's the implication. am I the only one upset & frustrated by this? it also seems a little arrogant. "oh, he invited me to go to Wendy's. he must want to screw me". I never thought that so and so was interested in me when I went somewhere. maybe its because im not used to having people like me. never had a girlfriend and nobody has actively persued me. and since im a very very socially nervous person, with poor people skills, im very aprehensive about approaching girls. im extremely awkward even around girls I've known for a long time. one girl at work always says hi and asks how im doing. I can't make eye contact-i look at the floor- and I chew on my nails, and get all stuttery. but im like this with most girls. again, im not gay, obviously. im just not awkward around guys. thing is, I've been aware of the "coffee means sex" thing for ages. just never brought it up because I thought it was just my own neurosis. and with guys, there's not that assumption. when I ask a guy to go to a concert or a movie, there isn't that pressure.

and before, I hated being around girls, because some like it when you're forward. so I was always tearing myself up, every second..."should I touch her hand? its right there! but I shouldn't! I should! no? yes! wait...uh..." and not being around them makes my mind relax. over the past 2 months, I've trained myself to be disinterested. I would see a girl and think "shes cute. buuuut, no. if I was actually kissing her or saw her naked I wouldn't know what to do"

and finally...this will sound pretty disturbing, but its who I am: I've never had a wet dream. never had a sex dream either.....

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Tralfamadore

Posted March 5, 2006

Tralfamadore

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Posted March 5, 2006

*i don't have a computer. I post from my Treo. I ran out of space there.*

what's disturbing is that whenever I come close to having a sex dream, or have one that is heading there, always-each and every time-the girl murders me.

about 2 years ago, there was a girl at work I had a huge crush on. she never knew. and I was shy around her. so I never had that "i want to take you home and brew folgers with you" look in my eyes. but I had a dream where we were walking down a narrow flight of stairs. I was in front of her by many steps. she fell, I caught her before she split her head open, and she decapitated me for touching her. most dreams are stabbing or getting my head cut off by girls.

my question is: is this generalization of "if we hang out it must mean he's thinking sex" a burdensome, annoying and frustrating societal flaw...or something. I know its just human nature, but I guess I always knew this, and even when I didn't want it, I was expected to live up to it. so with the girls that didn't want it, id go for it, and with the ones that wanted it, I didn't.

edit: when I said "i wouldn't know what to do" in the 1st post, I meant that I've trained myself to just not be attracted. not think about sex or kissing. I see a girl and I don't really see her as cute anymore. I just don't have any emotional reaction

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Xenon

Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006

I am suddenly reminded of that series of ads from Tasters Choice coffee...

(BTW, I can't stand coffee. Vile, revolting stuff.) :D

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Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006

Having a dream about someone you're attracted to is normal. Consistently having them kill you is not. No offense - you sound like a nice guy - but you should really see a doctor about this.

And yeah, I hate the coffee association too, only it's not just coffee anymore. Apparently now even asking if she wants to go for a walk implies eventual sexual interest!? I wish there were some tactful way to convey beyond any doubt that I just want to get to know them as a friend, but no. Only gay guys get that privilege. :cry:

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Tralfamadore

Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006

yeah. and when they say no, its like I have to justify and defend myself. "no, I mean...there was no inuendo!"

and I've also discovered that if the person is attractive, its not sexual harassment. there's all these pretty-boys at work and others are I have to admit, good looking.

and in college and at work, attractive people got away with a lot more than people who weren't so attractive. the better ones would grab the girls' ass or call her pet names that would be grounds for termination or expellation. and they took it more than if a guy who wasn't as attractive (sometimes knew the girl better) did that.

and I say girls take it, because guys as I understand don't get freaked out as much when hit on.

I however, do. I remember one time. freshman year in college. I was changing in the locker room to go work out. when I left, there were about 20 girls sitting against the wall waiting for a bus to go to some event at another school. I was walking away, and with my back to them, once called out "hey cutie". and I froze. I turned around. didn't know which one said it. I smiled, nodded, and ran away shyly.

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a-d

Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006

We might have more in common than I thought. I don't have NF, so I can't quite relate there, but a lot of other things I do recognize. One big factor in the way women might treat you is reputation. For example, I used to know a guy who would hit on every female in sight. I'm not kidding. Even if she was visibly attached. It didn't take long for them to notice this and avoid him, and pretty soon, he didn't have any friends, male or female, at least among those who would enjoy female company. He established a bad reputation, and that's hard to shake. In my case, anyone who talks to me or otherwise gets to know me, after a period of a week or two, that person will feel safe with me and not perceive me as a threat. It could also be frustrating for people with a physical/sexual attraction to me, because I'm usually oblivious to or suspicious of it anyway.

My point is, if you don't have a bad reputation due to any past misdeeds, your friends and acquaintances might be shallowly judging you simply based on your gender and appearance. If that is the case, you should probably associate with other people. Otherwise, I don't know what to make of the situation. HTH

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Posted March 5, 2006

I guess if coffee = sex that might explain why people rarely ask me out. I tell them I don't drink coffee that it is disgusting...

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Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006
I guess if coffee = sex that might explain why people rarely ask me out. I tell them I don't drink coffee that it is disgusting...

Hmmm that could be why people have looked at me odd when I've said I don't drink it, I don't like it.

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birdnerd

Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006

That's not fair. I LIKE coffee. Do the sexuals have to ruin coffee for me?

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Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006
and finally...this will sound pretty disturbing, but its who I am: I've never had a wet dream. never had a sex dream either.....

I'm not quite sure how never having had a wet or sex dream is supposed to be disturbing.

Having a dream about someone you're attracted to is normal. Consistently having them kill you is not. No offense - you sound like a nice guy - but you should really see a doctor about this.

I don't think he needs to see a doctor about this. I mean a shrink, maybe, if that's what you mean, in order to get to the meaning. But even that isn't necessary. Sometimes dreams have meaning, especially when theres a pattern like sex leading to death. Who knows. Maybe its a subconscious belief that if someone, say a girl, wants to have sex with you (or possibly just get to know you, hang out, etc), and discovers that you're not really interested in this, it would kill any possibility of more, say a relationship or even a friendship.

There's nothing wrong with that. It is a fear that can be somewhat true. But it's not always true, and that's the key.

I guess if coffee = sex that might explain why people rarely ask me out. I tell them I don't drink coffee that it is disgusting...

When I say that, and I have once or twice, the other person usually just laughs and says it's an expression, I can drink whatever I want.

While working at this one place a girl told me that her friend that had quit soon after I started working wanted to get to know me because she thought I was cute. It made me a little uncomfortable, I don't really like being hit on, but I was curious as to who this person was, as her friend really didn't describe her much. So I called her and we chatted for a bit, and I was thinking cool, maybe a new friend. We agreed to meet soon for coffee. I told my mother about it and she paused for a min and then said, "OMG, you have a date!" and I just went :shock: "What?? No, no date, just coffee. You know, hang out, talk..." She just laughed at me and said that it was indeed a date. I asked 2-3 other people and they all agreed. I wigged out and canceled.

If its supposed to be a date, I wish people would just say that! "Hang out" or "go for coffee" sounds so chill and mellow that I didn't even see that coming. That rarely happens though. I'm pretty out about being asexual, and I don't know anyone that is even an acquaintance that doesn't know. When I hang with a friend, go for coffee, go for a movie, etc. we all know its just a friend thing. When I think someone is hitting on me (it has to be kinda obvious for me to notice, but Im getting better), I let them know that I'm not into dating.

I think I got off topic. Coffee meaning sex thing sounds a little extreme. I think it depends on the situation. If you go out for coffee, that's a date. If you go up/in for coffee (as into their house or apartment), that's sex.

And I still think there are other ways to be a little more blunt without being a pig about it. Let the people that like to just ACTUALLY hang out with people be able to ask without implications.

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Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006

Yeah, Hillory Clinton taught me that if someone invites you to some "Hot Coffee" that its not really the drink.

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Shoes

Posted March 5, 2006

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Posted March 5, 2006
I don't think he needs to see a doctor about this. I mean a shrink, maybe, if that's what you mean, in order to get to the meaning. But even that isn't necessary. Sometimes dreams have meaning, especially when theres a pattern like sex leading to death. Who knows. Maybe its a subconscious belief that if someone, say a girl, wants to have sex with you (or possibly just get to know you, hang out, etc), and discovers that you're not really interested in this, it would kill any possibility of more, say a relationship or even a friendship.

There's nothing wrong with that. It is a fear that can be somewhat true. But it's not always true, and that's the key.

Well, sure (i did mean a shrink), but it sounds like it's causing him at least some distress and that's the kind of thing I'd see a shrink about (most of the time I can't really stand them).

I think I got off topic. Coffee meaning sex thing sounds a little extreme. I think it depends on the situation. If you go out for coffee, that's a date. If you go up/in for coffee (as into their house or apartment), that's sex.

Right. I was saying that going out for coffee implies sexual interest since dates imply sexual interest etc.

And I still think there are other ways to be a little more blunt without being a pig about it. Let the people that like to just ACTUALLY hang out with people be able to ask without implications.

Yeah, apparently asking people out on explicit dates is out of style for some reason, so now anything can have a double meaning. Bah!

As to Hilary Clinton and Hot Coffee.. Bah. Don't even get me started. "You can unlock hidden content by downloading a third-party program so CLEARLY the entire industry is out of control and out to corrupt our youth, we need to legislate post-haste!"

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Tralfamadore

Posted March 6, 2006

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Posted March 6, 2006
As to Hilary Clinton and Hot Coffee.. Bah. Don't even get me started. "You can unlock hidden content by downloading a third-party program so CLEARLY the entire industry is out of control and out to corrupt our youth, we need to legislate post-haste!"

seriously! all games are evil.

take pac-man, for instance.

the game is about eating excessively. its a game about glutony. glutony is a sin. therefore Pac-Man is a sinner. The ghosts represent paranormal apparations, which is clearly an unrealistic resentation of life, as ghosts do not exist.

another argument is that those "dots" are really LSD, and the ghosts are police. really the maze is just a linear alley, but the acid makes you hallucinate, lost, disoriented, and see people (cops) as ghosts.

since pacman promotes drugs and gluttony, he is the reason why videogames are the way they are these days.

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Posted March 6, 2006

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Posted March 6, 2006

Actually, one thing I've heard is that asking someone to coffee is an "un-date" date. Meaning, it's something that carries no further expectations than a friendly meeting and that people can accept without feeling like they've just agreed to be going out with the asker. That may change from region to region though.

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Brodertun

Posted March 6, 2006

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Posted March 6, 2006

That's one of the reasons I repeatedly tell most of my guy friends they are like brothers to me. Their older than me and they know where I stand on sex, but I like to make sure. And i know its a lot more difficult for them to have sexual urges for someone who keeps calling them their brother.

They do look out for me like brothers though. And I know that at least one of the top three will always keep watch on guys interested in me if I ask him to.

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