How To Have Sex - Expert Sex Education From BISH - Bish UK

My article teaches you how to have sex that is safe, consensual, and pleasurable. From how to set the vibe, to how to talk about it, to also how to put it in.

[There are swear words, the one beginning with F, but no graphic pictures of people having sex].

Later on in my article, you’ll learn how to put a penis in a vagina properly (as well as how to put fingers, or sex toys in vaginas and anuses too). But sex is a lot more than this. You have know how to create the right vibe, how to be relaxed, but also how to get aroused. The key to all of this is consent and communication. People say it hurts for the first time, but there’s no reason it should. It’s just that no-one teaches people how to do it properly.

Sex can feel really good, whether it’s your 1st time or 81st time. If you know the kind of sex you both want to have, feel comfortable and relaxed together, can take your time, and learn how to talk to each other during sex it can feel really really good.

Make sure you both actually want to have sex

Remember that the only reason good reason to have sex is that you actually want to do it. You’re not doing it for anyone else, or to prove yourself, or to say you’ve done it, or to show you love someone etc etc. There’s more about this in the Should I Have Sex article. Also make sure that you both actually want to do it. This is just the first step on how we maximise consent with each other. How keen are you both to do it? Have you asked each other open questions about the kinds of sex you might like? Is one of you ‘giving in’ to having sex or are you both up for it? Here’s a resource about how to ask which you might find helpful.

What kind of sex do you want to have?

Don’t assume that sex is just penetration, or entry sex (aka fucking): it isn’t. A lot of people don’t have the kinds of bodies that can enjoy fucking and a lot of people find it painful and uncomfortable.

Try thinking about sex differently, there’s a lot more to sex than fucking. It’s about the kind of sex you both want to do, not what you should do. Lots of different things count as sex: rubbing your naked bodies together, or a fully clothed kiss straddling each other on the sofa both count. It’s about working out what you want and what will work for both of you. A lot of this depends on how much time and privacy you have. This article about working out what kind of sex you want can help you with this.

Check out my what is sex article, which about lots of the different kinds of sex and how to do them safely, with more consent, and more pleasure.

Making it safer

When you’ve worked out what kind of sex you want to have, it’s important to try and make it as safe as possible. If you’re having penis in vagina sex, how can you prevent pregnancy (if you don’t want to get pregnant) by using contraception. How can you prevent getting or giving a sex infection? If you’re having sex away from each other, via your phones, how do you make sexting safer? Is it legal for you to both have sex and how do you make sure that you’re not going to get in trouble?

There’s more below on how to make sure that you’re going to be private enough. Here’s another link about how to talk about safer sex. Trying to make sex safer is important for you and the other person because there are harms from sex that might hurt us. Crucially, if we have made sex safe enough then we can relax a little bit more, which helps us to enjoy it a bit more.

Do you have enough time for sex?

It’s important to take your time for first time sex. This is to make sure that you both have enough time to get comfortable, get turned on and to actually enjoy it. Quickies can be fun, but probably not for first time sex. I know that young people don’t get that much private time where they can be alone, but try and give yourself a couple of hours.

It might feel a little bit strange at first and there’s a lot to get used to. Taking clothes off with someone, touching someone and having someone touching you for the first time can all feel really weird and sometimes a bit overwhelming at first. So it’s good to have a bit of time to get used to it and to be able to talk about how it’s feeling.

Also, don’t try to do everything at one visit. If you’re new to someone or new to sex, it can feel really strange at first and a bit ‘much’. So even if you have a list of things that you would like to try, don’t aim to do them all in one go. Just try one or two things and see how you both respond to it. This also puts less pressure on you both and makes it more consensual.

Find somewhere nice and relaxing

You might not have your own place or have enough cash for a hotel room, so finding somewhere to do it can be tricky. However you should be inside, in a private space where you can close the door so that no-one will interrupt (and where no-one else has to hear what you get up to). If you don’t have much time or privacy, you could choose a kind of sex where you keep most of your clothes on. Eg snogging, dry humping, masturbation through clothes, ear lobe nibbling, putting hands up jumpers, that kind of thing.

In order to enjoy sex you need to be relaxed and comfortable and not worrying about being interrupted.

Sometimes parents or carers will allow their kids to do it in their house, or might ‘look the other way’ if they go out for an evening, or they might not. Remember it can be difficult for parents to deal with this: what would you do if you were a parent of a teen?

If you are finding it hard to be relaxed with your partner, you might want to read some of the excellent articles here about relationships. Try this guide to relationships as a starting point!

Pay close attention to the vibes and each other

Trying to have sex when the vibes are off is a sure fire way to have bad sex. Pay attention to the vibe. Are you going to be overheard? Can you hear other people? How do you feel about the lighting? What can you hear, see, smell, feel, taste even? Do you need some chilled music, or a candle. Are your bodies comfortable? Is there enough space? Notice your breathing and check in with yourself.

There are some great ideas about the vibe in my article about how to make sex and relationships chats easier.

Now we’re getting closer to you actually touching each other.

Making it feel good, and not painful

The only time sex should be painful is when you both plan for it and do it consensually. For example with either kink or rough sex. If that’s your thing, you really need to do your research to make sure you do them safely. A lot of people choose to have vanilla sex when they first have sex. Vaginal or anal sex should never feel painful at all – if it is please both stop. There’s more here on how to avoid painful sex, but the key is just to slow down, try to stay relaxed, and avoid doing anything that hurts and just do things that feel really nice. All the advice that follows below is about how to make it feel nice and not hurt at all.

How to get aroused for sex

Both people need to be turned on and relaxed for sex to be good. Wanting sex and being turned on aren’t the same thing – as you can read more about desire and arousal here. Being aroused means that:

Whatever is in your pants should be throbbing.

This means that blood will start getting trapped in your penis, or clitoris. As blood flows in to all the spongy cells you might feel your penis or clitoris getting bigger and harder. This is known as ‘vasocongestion’ or ‘getting hard’ or ‘a boner’. To make fucking feel really good, getting really aroused first is very important.

Getting hard

There’s a lot of pressure placed on men to have a hard penis. It can be hard to get a hard on sometimes. The pressure which we put on penises to be hard can make it much harder for a penis to get hard. Also, nerves, pre-sex tension, worries (‘will they like it’, ‘this is the first time anyone has seen my hard on’, ‘will their parents be back soon’ etc) can all seriously affect the hardness of a penis. Once an erection arrives it can soon go away, but once it goes away it can also come back quickly too. The less pressure you put on it the better. There are lots of ways to enjoy sex which don’t require a (hard) dick at all.

You can read more here about why the hard on is tricky

Getting wet

The ‘vasocongestion’ I mentioned above will also usually lead to vaginas becoming more aroused too. This means that the muscles around the vagina relaxes a lot. They also release wetness from deep inside the vagina and at the opening to the vagina. Vaginas will usually be quite moist; if it isn’t then the sex may feel painful. The vagina expands and relaxes a lot when sexually aroused (turned on).

This means that fingers, a sex toy or a penis should slide in without it hurting. This is why it’s important to get really turned on first with stroking, nibbling, kissing, holding, is very important. Learn more about the clitoris and vagina here.

Not all vaginas are the same though. You may not produce enough or any wetness, so you may need to use water based lubricant and your fingers to make the vagina relaxed and wet for vaginal sex.

It’s a similar process for anal sex too. Use lubricant on a finger to make the anus wet and relaxed. Being relaxed is really important for anal too. More on this below.

Why it’s important to be really relaxed

If you get stressed your body can stop you from being relaxed, because all your muscles tighten up. However, being stressed can also prevent you from getting aroused. When you get stressed blood is diverted from your genitals to other parts of your body. So that stops your bits getting aroused. Your body just takes over and does this over things like: fearing being body shamed; concerns about getting caught; worries about safer sex; expecting it to be painful. So read more about how to deal with stress here. If you (or your partner) are feeling stressed, just pause and breathe out before you have any more sex.

How to put ‘it’ in (aka how to fuck)

They make fucking (aka entry sex ) look dead easy in films, TV, and porn. One person gets in between the legs of the other and easily slides into them – but it’s not as easy as it looks. If you’re fucking for the first time then it’s a good idea to masturbate each other for a bit first.

You could also insert a small wet, finger inside your partner first. Do this slowly and carefully allowing for the entrance of the vagina or anus to gently open up. When your partner is more relaxed you can move your finger around and then insert another finger. This ensures that the opening big enough to insert a penis or sex toy. It helps for other person to guide their partner to the right place.

If you’re going to have entry sex you need to go really slowly and carefully at first. Nothing should be pushed in.

Allow it to slide in slowly

Then put the hard penis (inside a condom) or toy inside, very very slowly at first. Slowly slowly. Keep checking in with each other that this feels okay. If it does then you could gradually build up the speed and hardness if you want. Once the penis (or toy) is sliding in and out easily you can decide to move more quickly and hard, or do it slowly and deeply.

If you have a penis it’s important to be slow and patient even if you are worried about losing your hard on. If feel like your hard on is going away, please don’t rush the other person or just push your dick inside the other person until they are fully ready. This can hurt them. Instead of thinking about one person pushing themselves into the other, think about you both sliding into and around each other.

Remember, if it doesn’t feel good, or it feels uncomfortable, do something else. This is just one kind of sex and there are loads and loads of other kinds.

How to figure out the right position for sex

In my opinion people are a bit obsessed with the right position for sex. Finding the right position depends on what you both like, how mobile you are and what kind of sex you want. There are no rules and no magic positions: just do what feels good.

If you’re doing it for the first time it might be best to choose a position where you are both facing each other. Communication (both with or without words) is easier when you can see each others faces. Apart from that it’s all about finding out what the best sex position is for you.

How to communicate during sex

If you’ve talked about the kind of sex you want to do and don’t want to do then you may have an idea of what to expect. However if things start feeling uncomfortable or not what you expected then you should both stop.

During sex it’s important to really pay attention to whether each other are enjoying it.

You can use words and short phrases (which are often easier to blurt out) whilst you’re doing it. You can also do sex talk through other noises, facial expressions and the way we touch each other. Allow yourself to make these kinds of noises and indications if things are feeling good.

From my Sex Talk and Communication article.

Doing this also can increase how enjoyable sex is because you are communicating with each other what feels good. That can build between you because we all enjoy things more when the person we are doing it with enjoys it too. It also makes sex more consensual if we can communicate in this way all through sex. Read this about consent and sex and how to do it.

How you can have an orgasm

In films, TV, porn and books everyone has orgasms really easily. Orgasms can feel great during sex, but not everyone has them when they have sex with someone. Different people need different kinds of sex and touch to have orgasms. For instance penis in vagina sex is usually more stimulating for the penis than the vagina.

Also it can be difficult for people to ‘let go’ during sex and have an orgasm. When you really want something it can make it harder – just like when you really need to get to sleep but can’t? So try and chill, take the pressure off and just feel what feels nice. Sometimes people aren’t that fussed about having orgasms or not (but don’t assume that someone isn’t interested in orgasms). Read this article about orgasms for more about this.

In my opinion I think that it’s just better to aim for sex to be enjoyable for both of you, rather than ‘make’ someone have an orgasm. It’s an activity you are both taking part in together – it’s not a competition.

How it feels when sex is really good

If you do all of this, with someone you like and trust, then sex can feel pretty amazing. How great sex feels is difficult to say but sometimes it feels nice, comforting, intimate. Sometimes it feels exciting, exhilarating, passionate, knee trembling. Sometimes both!

If it feels bad, disgusting, scary-in-a-bad-way, unsafe, boring, just something you are doing because you think you ought to: then why are you doing it at all?

If you want a bit more advanced advice you could try my resources onhow to be good at it. I’ve also co-written a sex advice book with Dr Meg-John Barker called A Practical Guide to Sex, here’s a link to buy from Amazon.

© Justin Hancock, 2025 Find out more about me and BISH here.

BISH is run by me, Justin Hancock. I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.

What Else Can I Help You With?

There’s a comment box below (scroll down) if you want to give me feedback or ask a question (don’t leave your full name and I pre-moderate all comments, so it’s safe for you to post here). Or you can ask me a question here.

Or …

You can search BISH here

Search by category

CategoriesSelect CategoryBodiesPornRelationshipsSafer SexSexTeachUncategorizedYouYour CallYour questions

Or you can search by tags

A-Z of Porn About You Abuse Arousal Ask Bish Body Image Clitoris Communication Condoms Consent Contraception Coronavirus Dry Humping Ejaculation Erection Feelings Friendships Gender Kissing Law Love Masturbation Oral Sex Orgasm Parents Penis Pleasure Porn Positions Pregnancy Pressure Relationships Safer Sex Saying No Self Care Self Esteem Services Sex Education Sexting STIs Teach yourself Team Bish The Right Time Trust Vagina

If you have a question that I’ve not already answered you can contact me here

What do you think about BISH?

I’d love your feedback about the website please! I’m doing a PhD research project at Nottingham Trent University about BISH and it’s really important for me to get your thoughts about it. There’s a short survey here. It will just take around 10 minutes. It would really help me to help you, so it would be great if you could take part.

[Practitioners, although this website isn’t aimed at you, I’m keen to hear your thoughts about BISH too as you may have made use of it in your work. If you do work in or around relationships and sexuality education could you do this survey instead please. Thank you!]

Here’s How To Stay Updated With BISH

Most of my readers like to stay updated via email. So sign up here and get an automatic email every time I post a new resource on here.

Type your email…

Subscribe

And you can also keep up with me via social medias. I’m not an influencer, I put all my time into this website and also I think people trust sites like this more than social media. So I’m not very active on there but I try to post when I’ve done a new thing. TikTok. Instagram. Twitter (I’ve kind of stopped posting there now). YouTube. You could also follow me on Reddit if you like (just starting out, so tell me which sub-reddits you’d like to see me post in).

Funding and Support

This website is only funded by people like you who find it useful. As you can see, there are no ads, it’s all free. There is no premium service, just expert advice for free if you need it. If you’re an adult and want to be a part of this project please support BISH.

I know it's hard to share this kind of content, but please do if you can!

• Facebook
• X
• LinkedIn
• Pinterest
• Telegram
• Tumblr
• Reddit
• WhatsApp
• More

• Email