Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Review: I Drank The Whole Menu So You Don ...

Like a nutmeg-tinged harbinger of flannel shirts and school buses clogging up traffic in the morning, pumpkin spice has returned at Starbucks. Once again, the Pumpkin Spice Latte is bringing the flavor-syrup alchemy that you’ve either grown to love or find unpalatably sweet. On the other hand, the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew is actually delicious and tastes like actual pumpkin coffee.

Starbucks dropped its new fall menu on Tuesday, three weeks after Dunkin’ decided to execute a nationwide deployment of pumpkin drinks in the thick of sweltering summer roadwork season -- the kind of weather where you can accidentally burn yourself on the metal part of your seat belt buckle when you get back into your car.

So here comes Starbucks rolling in fashionably late with essentially the same three-drink lineup as last year (five if you count hot and iced versions):

• Pumpkin Spice Latte (hot or cold)
• Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato (hot or cold)
• Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew (only cold)

The only notable change from last year is that the Apple Crisp Macchiato is now made with oatmik and blonde roast espresso. Other than that, it’s one more charge through a crowded drive-thru for sleepless parents on the way to school hunting nutmeg, cinnamon and clove flavors to cover up the taste of actual coffee.

So what do they taste like?

Here are all five drinks on the menu, ranked worst to best:

5. Pumpkin Spice Latte (Hot)

At its core, the classic Starbucks PSL has a good flavor, leaning into the nutmeg, cinnamon and clove notes to execute a long-successful formula. The problem is that the formula has gotten so potent that it’s started to detach from being coffee and feels like drinking sweet soup.

It’s a lot like syrupy CGI that’s designed to make you forget you’re drinking coffee. If you don’t think about it too much, it’s great. But the more you pay attention to it, the more unpleasant the experience feels.

Taste-wise, there’s a pleasant milky blend of sweet flavors when you first take a sip, driving home the positive parts of pumpkin spice lattes. But then you get these strong, almost astringent notes of fall spice lingering in the aftertaste. They sparkle on the back of the tongue in a disconcerting way.

The biggest problem is how thick and heavy the drink feels. There’s a reason the hot drink is served with a cap. If you take the lid off, it becomes apparent how cartoonishly orange and viscous it all is. It looks more like butternut squash soup than a latte.

Then there are the weird syrup stains that form on the sides of the cup, looking like grease drippings from a roast chicken.

Part of me wants to like this. Every time I take a sip, I’m reminded of the creamy nebula of fall spice flavors that it can create. But then you get that odd haze in the aftertaste. I need water more than I need another sip.

4. Pumpkin Spice Latte (Iced)

The iced version is more muted in terms of how powerful the pumpkin spice is. The sweet flavors don’t pop as much, but the off-tastes are much more limited as well.

Overall, it’s a flatter, more drinkable version of the PSL. Having the melting ice literally watering things down after a while actually helps out a bit. Where the hot version can feel thick and syrupy, the iced version goes down much easier.

Still, the flavor comes across with this murky sweetness and flat fall spice flavor.

3. Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato (Iced)

This drink is served with that cool layered-cream aesthetic that looks nice in the clear cup. But make sure to mix it adequately. Otherwise, you’ll have all the bland oatmilk up top and actual flavor down beneath.

Conceptually, it’s a pretty good coffee drink. It tastes like apple cider blended with coffee. It’s not overly sweet and instead lets the fall spice flavors stand out, giving it some cider doughnut vibes.

2. Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato (Hot)

The hot version comes topped with foam and a little sprinkle of spice, which is key in giving it a little aromatic pop before you even take a sip. Here, you really get the apple crisp flavors.

Between the foam, fragrance and hotter beverage, you get a lot more sweetness from this drink. However, it’s more balanced than the PSL, with some of the bitter coffee drag still coming out. However, it’s still on the heavy and sweet side as far as coffee drinks go.

1. Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew

Cold brew cream is awesome. It’s whipped cream that you can eat for breakfast. It’s the biggest breakfast dessert-based ruse since muffins convinced people they weren’t just cupcakes.

There are no rules anymore. Break free from the shackles of society and enjoy a fall-themed coffee topped with whipped cream in late August.

I’d eat a salad bowl of this cold pumpkin cream and tell people it’s a “family-sized decaf.”

This drink is the best of both worlds. You get the decadent dessert aspect as well as actual coffee. Although, that may be a bug instead of a feature, depending on how much you like the actual flavor of coffee.

The cold coffee here is pleasantly smooth, with the bitter bite taken off thanks to the melding cream and the innate pumpkin flavor.

This is the one thing I’d definitely get again, especially on one of those weirdly hot September days.

The final word

Reader beware: I’m used to consuming large quantities of sweet coffee drinks at this point. If you largely avoid them, they’re not for you.

Take it from my co-worker Tom Matthews, who had the following review for the hot Pumpkin Spice Latte: “I mean it’s good. But I just feel like I shouldn’t be putting it in my body.”

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“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column looking at off-beat eats, both good and bad. It runs every other Thursday-ish at noon-ish.

You can send any praise/food suggestions to [email protected]. Please send all criticisms and complaints about insulting the honor of the Pumpkin Spice Latte to [email protected]. You can check out the rest of the series here.

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