Vulnerability: The Key To Better Relationships - Mark Manson

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Ways to Be More Vulnerable

Now that you’re thinking of embracing vulnerability and getting on that path to true human connection, let me share with you some ways to be more vulnerable in your everyday life. Hopefully, these examples will help you see the subtleties—and the beauty—of being more vulnerable, of exposing your rough edges to the world.

Admit You Suck at Something

Think about it: if someone is obviously bad at something—whether it’s their golf swing or high-stakes business negotiations—there’s probably nothing more cringe-worthy than when they openly brag about how good they are at it.

On the other hand, when someone openly admits they really suck at something, you’ll probably end up respecting them more for it (as long as they’re not too desperate about it, of course).

If you suck at dating, tell a friend about it and ask for feedback on what you can do to get better.

If you’re not good at connecting with people at work and you think it’s affecting your job performance, tell some of your coworkers you’re having a hard time and see if they have any advice for you.

The point is that you’re not trying to be something that you’re not. You accept who you are, faults and all. People will see this as incredibly confident behavior and respond in kind.

Take Responsibility Instead of Blaming Others

We all know someone who always seems to blame someone else (or everyone else) for their problems:

• The man who blames his “lying shitbag of an ex” for all of his current relationship problems. He’d be alot better off if he’d just acknowledge that things didn’t work out and that he was a bad partner at times and then work to address that.
• The coworker who constantly falls short of their performance goals and blames the culture in the office, or the economy, or basically anything but their incompetence. Just admit when you need help with something and find someone who can help you get better.
• The woman who blames all men—not just one man, but all men—for her terrible dating life. As a general rule, if you’re trying to figure out if it’s between half of the population all having the exact same problem or if it’s, perhaps, just you—well, I have some bad news: I did the math and it’s extremely likely that it’s you. So start there.

The reason taking responsibility for your problems is so powerful is because it puts you in control of the solution. When you blame others, you’re handing over control to everyone and everything around you and—SPOILER ALERT—you can’t control everyone and everything around you.

You may not be to blame for your current shitty situation, but stepping up and saying that you’re going to take care of it is a fucking power move. A power move.

It shows you’re not fazed by external pressures to look, act, or feel a certain way—that instead you accept reality for what it is and set out to work with what you have.

And it’s a shining example of vulnerability because you’re saying “I have a problem. I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. I can deal with it, and I will deal with it.”

Tell Someone They’re Being Hurtful/Insensitive

This one might seem like an obvious way to be vulnerable and should be commonplace, but it’s actually not as common as you might think. A lot of us try to put on a thick skin and just grin and bear it when people needle at our sore spots or are just being pricks.

It might be as simple as someone who makes an offhand comment or joke about you or someone around you that went a little too far. Or maybe it’s how insensitive your partner is sometimes (who might not know they’re being insensitive, by the way). Or it could be the sexist/racist asshole at the end of the bar who won’t shut up.

Calling them out when they truly cross the line makes you vulnerable. You’re making your feelings and opinion about that other person known. This is risky. Things could escalate. Some will take it more personally than others. And some people might be annoyed that you’re “rocking the boat” or whatever.

But if you know what you stand for and you stand up for it, then that’s a powerful form of vulnerability.

Note, however, that there’s a difference between calling someone out for being cruel or harmful, and calling someone out because you disagree with them. The latter is bullshit and makes things worse, not better.

Tell Someone You Appreciate/Admire/Respect/Love Them

This might be the ultimate form of vulnerability, and it’s probably the easiest one to mess up as well (more on that soon).

This goes for simply telling another person you think they’re cute, for letting your friend know you really admire who they are as a person, for expressing respect and love to your parents, and yes, even confessing your undying, never-ending love for someone.

All of these require you to be vulnerable because you never really know exactly how someone else feels about you, which could mean their feelings might not match yours, which could create an imbalance in the relationship, which could change the dynamics of the relationship, and on and on and on.

But before you rush out and start confessing your undying love to the next hot stranger you see, we need to talk about the fine line between vulnerability and emotional psychopathy.