Why Should I Stay Alive When I Want To Kill Myself? - Anne Moss Rogers

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Charles Aubrey Rogers

This site in honor of my son, Charles Aubrey Rogers who died by suicide. 4/26/1995-6/5/2015

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by Anna Wieder

Dear Me who wants to die,

I know are you in so much pain right now. It feels unbearable and I am SO sorry.

I know it feels like the pain will never end.

It feels like it is crushing your spirit.

I know the terror you feel in your heart. The fear and panic feel like they are running through your arms and body, even piercing you like needles.

I know everything in your brain might be fuzzy as your body sensations overwhelm you.

Stay here, in your body. BREATHE.

It is OK if it doesn’t change anything in this moment.

Keep breathing.

You are strong and can do this. You are BRAVE and GOOD and STRONG.

Get ice if you need to, put it on your head or neck or face. Put your hand on your chest.

Feel your heart. It is beating so fast?

Yes, you are alive, your body is fighting for you to live.

It is not fair, that you must sit like this. IT IS NOT FAIR.

Know this now: your body is safe. You are safe.

You have people who will hug you and love you, when and if you are ready.

Your only job right now is to be alive.

It is OK to cry, to stare, and to be angry, to scream or to stay frozen for a little while. You can handle this pain, YOU ARE STRONG. It will subside. It ALWAYS does, even when you swear it will not.

You do not need to hurt yourself even though you hurt right now. I know it feels unbearable AND I am here to remind you it will pass. Just observe.

It seems appealing in this moment to die, to leave and to make it final. The pain of dying would be temporary and lead to an end, a nothingness. The crushing shame and fear and exhaustion you feel would be gone, so hear me now shouting to you, “THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT!”

As You who wants to live, I am shouting to you, “You are STRONG and NEEDED and have so many HOPES and DREAMS! You deserve PEACE.” Keep fighting!

If it will help, look at all the things you want to do and the reasons to stay. There are a lot, so many. But you do not need to look right now, either.

It is OK to simply curl up, feel the heaviness of the blankets pressing on you and pinning you in place. Falling asleep is an OK option, too. You will wake up feeling differently.

Imagine breathing in relaxation and out the hurt and bad dreams and fear. Breathe in hope. And being brave. You deserve compassion and kindness.

It is a feeling, NOT the truth, that you want to die.

The voices that say you are disgusting and worthless and unloved are liars.

I am not tricking you.

I do not want to hurt you.

My heart aches for you. And I know more than anyone how hard you have fought in life to stay alive, and I am begging you to keep fighting. I KNOW YOU.

I want you to see the sun and the beach again. Float in the ocean. Hike in Maine, read books that have not been written, love people who are yet to come.

I want you to laugh. I want you to teach. I want you to know all of the happy things again. You deserve the best things.

Keep fighting. KEEP FIGHTING.

Love,

Me who wants to live

Note from Anne Moss: This is a letter Anna wrote to herself to read when she is suffering thoughts of suicide. It’s her coping strategy to stay alive when her brain is telling her she is worthless.

USA Suicide & Crisis Lifeline call 988USA Crisis Text 741-741Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for Veterans call 988, press 1USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth, call 1-866-488-7386USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678USA TransLifeline call, 1-833-456-4566USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline & Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 988United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366International suicide hotlines

DIARY OF A BROKEN MIND: A Mother’s Story, a Son’s Suicide, and the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind

So you are contemplating suicide…

47 thoughts on “Why should I stay alive when I want to kill myself?”

I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an endless mind suck, full of chaos and pain. But, I do. I feel so ashamed that all I wish for is death. When I speak up, I feel safe for a short while, but like a yo-yo it snaps right back. I know all the right things to say, and there are times, it’s just easier to say those “right” things so as not to stress or upset someone, even the therapist.

I instinctively back down, afraid I am draining them, afraid I will somehow be punished (to me that means dragged to the ER, placed on a locked unit). I feel so ashamed of how I feel, and the burden it puts on the person I reach out to. I worry so much about the other person, I just can’t ever say exactly it is I’m thinking, so I minimize, I hide behind word play, I smile, I’m fine, it’s ok. I’m safe.

No matter how loud and how dark the mind gets, I always back down. Does it change the thoughts, the plans, how I feel… no, but I stay another hour, another day, another week. Alone in that dark, loud, painful place. The reality is, I’ve tried before, and I walk along this isolating path knowing that 1 trip, 1 stumble off this path might be the last trip, last stumble. I know the coping skills, I actively use them often. I just truly wish that someone could just sit with me in those moments, and just know, without the words, those exhausting words, “I’m struggling, I want to die”. Not talk me out of it, not give platitudes, not give advice, not tell me how good life can be… just sit with me, in that space. Just hold on to me while I work through it. Words are temporary, but your time, your physical presence are life saving and far more meaningful than the words.
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1. Jenny- First, no one ASKS for suicidal thoughts. People think it’s some choice when it’s really something that kind of invades someone’s brain.
  
  Second, I think this is one of the most beautifully written explanations about what those feelings are, why people don’t tell that I’ve ever read. I think I might need to make an anonymous post out of it.
  
  Becasue I’ve talked to so many who feel as you do, listened and shut up, sat with that person to understand and sit with them in their pain, I’ve developed more of an understanding. Thanks to generous souls like yourself who have either written in a comment or told me face to face after one of my presentations.
  
  This, this! So well said. This is what I say over and over in different ways during a presentation so it sticks! –> “I just truly wish that someone could just sit with me in those moments, and just know, without the words, those exhausting words, ‘I’m struggling, I want to die.’ Not talk me out of it, not give platitudes, not give advice, not tell me how good life can be… just sit with me, in that space. Just hold on to me while I work through it.”
  
  No one in that moment wants to be told, “You have so much to live for!” “You should exercise more.” “Have you tried cutting out sugar?” Like that is meeting someone where they are? Thank you for this.
  
  It’s a beautifully expression of the pain in your soul. I hope it helped to write it. I hoped it help that I hear you and appreciate the words.
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I googled, why should I stay alive, and found this piece. I have those cruel voices in my head telling me I’m disgusting, that I’m not worth being alive. I do fight, every day, but the pain is so much. I know I’ll keep going, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing this, it helped me today and that really matters to a person who feel very alone.
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1. Man I always wonder why some hear these incessant voices. I’m so very sorry. It’s an odd phenomenon. What we do know that it is the result of a faulty stress response in the brain. And you are very welcome. Come back any time. You NEVER asked for these thoughts. No one does. But we are here and we will not judge. In fact, I think you are very courageous to have made it this long and to post here. Thank you. I’m honored.
  Reply
  1. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I have done so much research trying to help myself. I know the cruel voices have to do with CPTSD for me. Today is slightly better. It is a fight though. Thank you for your kindness.
    Reply
If you got no one except for all the people that’s dislikes you don’t want to be around you. You try to meet new people but then the first sign you show off negative they distant them selves. Then back at square 1 you have no idea how to fix your mistakes cause you have no idea what your doing wrong what’s the whole point of living. When the only thing you got is material things
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1. Oh T that is such a difficult circle to be in. Tell me more about this if you would? So an example of how a conversation has gone maybe would help us all to understand even better. I’m so sorry this is happening when you are struggling.
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2. By buying those material things – just consider – you’ve helped someone selling those things to put food on their table and make their lives better. Just a thought. ❤️
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Well, it was worth a try. I’ll see y’all on the other side
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1. Hey. I am here. If you want to comment. I hope your are still with us today. If you reply so will I.
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  1. Why should you have any hope for me? I don’t
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    1. Katherine- Can you tell me what happened that drained you of hope? I’m so sorry. I’m listening…..
      Reply
This is like reading one of my many journal entries, wow. I write stuff like this because it helps me so much, and I’m glad to see it helps other people too.
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1. Micha that is a great coping strategy. I do hope you get the support you deserve but do keep writing and if you have anything helpful to submit to this blog let me know. I would love to share it here.
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Yay for toxic positivity. This is crap. Sounds like every cheap therapists advice.
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1. I get what you are saying. It’s valid. However, this was written by someone who struggles with suicidality in her moments of despair. So it worked for her. But not always as she told me it doesn’t always work and she’ll reach out or take another route. I have learned from those with lived experience not to be all Polly Positive but instead listen and connect with the pain. In other words, not push solutions or cliche sayings like “you have so much to live for.” Because that’s not where you are. It invalidates feelings. This I learned from individuals like yourself. Because when I asked you talked. So thank you.
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I wish some of us who are thinking nobody ‘knows what to do with us anymore’ Could somehow support one another I googled literally “why should I keep living “ bc I’m out of answers. I needn’t explain since anyone here knows. Thank you for this bc I REALLY did put my hand on my heart. And feel. And I’ve never done that before
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1. Wow. That is a comment worth quoting. Thank you for saying it. I think the author, Anna, will also reply but I just had to say how that.
  Reply
2. Katrina, you gave me chills when I read your comment, and I’m so thankful this letter helped. I’ve thought the same thoughts you have, and that is one of the reasons I shared this letter that I had written for myself. Please know you are not alone in your wonderings – and life is really, really hard sometimes for so many of us. It’s good to find each other. Take care. Anna
  Reply
3. Katrina, I just want to reach out to you and bothers on here, that are struggling. Always remember there is Always something to live for! There are many resources to help you through the difficult times, which many are on line. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to anyone. Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255 is full of resources. My heart goes out to you and any other that is struggling with suicide ideation and depression. If you are not seeing a therapist please reach out for someone to help you on a regular basis.
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4. I did the same Googlery. No “help” arrived. I called the daughter of my lovee (i am the lover & he was my lovee) who died and she said “there are places you can call, you know, for that.” There are no places. There are no people. There is nothing. Just nothing.
  Reply
  1. I take it you are not getting any support. I want you to know I hear you. I answered your other comment, too. Tell me what’s up.
    Reply
I can’t even explain how much this just made me feel better, it made me cry, thank you so much!
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1. Thank you so much Joey. You have inspired me. I know the author might want to respond, too.
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2. Joey, I am so glad this letter has helped you!! Sometimes it is so hard to find relief – I am so glad you found a moment of that here. Please read this as often as you need, or take any part of it and use it to keep going. I’m cheering you on, Joey, you are brave and have so much to live for (even when it doesn’t feel that way). Take care of yourself, my friend. Anna
  Reply
At 49, I have no hopes or dreams. I’ve allowed depression and anxiety to crush me down to a nub. While I’m not actively suicidal, when the kids become old enough to weather that blow, I might consider it. In my case, selfish, but as I hate myself, I won’t give it a second thought
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1. Hey JR. Thank you for commenting. I understand that you feel empty and without a future due to your depression. I don’t think you are selfish, I just think you are hurting. Have you ever been able to find treatment?
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2. JR, You are brave to share your heart and I appreciate that! Have you sought treatment and received a proper diagnosis? There is more help than you realize out there, please reach out. I’m a therapist and I already understand your struggles and I know there is hope for you! If you need help finding a therapist let us know on here and we can help you.
  Reply
3. I’m 42,and I know exactly what you mean. I’ve written that down myself actually. I wish I had any advice but I’m in the same place. I don’t feel like I’m even a part of my own life anymore. My husband and kids hate me as they have nothing to do with me except tell me how awful I am.
  Reply
  1. Oh Julie I’m so sorry. What is happening that makes you feel like they hate you? If you are OK with my asking. I just want to understand your pain.
    Reply
This is not true. I do not have any energy anymore to fight. I am completeley tired of fighting and having no results. And no, there is nobody who.loves me.
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1. I regret that you feel such despair and pain. I wish I was there to listen to you.
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2. I love you. So does God.
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  1. Kiwi- Thank you for supporting another hurting soul.
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Love you, sweet friend. I am so proud of you, Anna. This article has helped many people.
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1. Thank you, Kendall.
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You have truly saved lives whilst writing this piece. I know you saved mine. I can’t imagine how difficult it was to write this, and how vulnerable its made you feel putting it out in the open, but your piece, it’s giving some people hope. Just that little glimmer of hope, and sometimes that’s all you’ve got left to hold on for. Your piece should be shared with the world, and I’m sure soon, as people continue to share it via sm, you would of helped so many people, every person who thought they were alone with all there pain. Thank you so much for writing, please continue everything your doing. We all support you.
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1. Milly-Mae, your words mean more to me than you can know, and I will hold them in my heart. It is a privilege to share what I have written and to know it is affecting lives. Please read my letter whenever you need – you too are NEEDED and STRONG and DESERVING. Make it your mantra. You are not alone, even when it feels that way. I know how it feels, too. But it is a lie, we are not alone! Keep fighting! I am cheering you on, Milly-Mae, as you have cheered for me. I have so much HOPE for us both.
  Reply
Anna, I understand your struggle. I have experienced the same. I know the fight to stay alive. You don’t want to end your life, just stop the pain. Hold on to your dreams. They sound fabulous and are so worth fighting for. Free yourself from guilt and allow yourself time. Keep sharing your thoughts, reaching out to others and try something new this year. Sometimes distractions get us through the toughest of times. Big hugs to you and lots of prayers for your pain to lessen. Suzie
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1. Suzie, it is so good when we find out we are not alone! Thank you for your hugs and incredible encouragement.
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Thank you so much for sharing. You ARE brave and strong AND you have a purpose. This will help so many others who suffer..
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1. Jacquelyn, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It was so scary to share this part of myself, but I want to help others who suffer and feel alone.
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Wonderful words of encouragement and life affirmation. You have an amazing gift of expression that is so helpful for those struggling.
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1. Thank you so much, Mary.
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Thank you for sharing you thoughts and feelings so openly and honestly. By doing so, you are helping remove stigma and helping others. You are strong and brave ❤️
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Such honesty and love in these words. It’s so generous of you to share your feelings and your tools that you have developed to keep you safe. Keep fighting. You are worth it.
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1. Thank you for the encouragement and kind words!
  Reply

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Why Should I Stay Alive When I Want To Kill Myself? - Anne Moss Rogers

Charles Aubrey Rogers

Suicide Hotlines

Can a Blog Save Lives?

Categories

Mental Health Resources

Social Media

Article & PR Highlights

T-Shirts and Hoodies

Stay here, in your body. BREATHE.

Your only job right now is to be alive.

It is a feeling, NOT the truth, that you want to die.

47 thoughts on “Why should I stay alive when I want to kill myself?”

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