How To Start A Conversation With Your Ex Partner After It Is Over

Key takeaways

• Speaking to your ex isn’t always recommended, but honest communication may be necessary in certain situations.
• Communicating clearly, concisely, and respectfully can be key to maintaining a healthy relationship, even if you are no longer together.
• It may be helpful to focus on protecting your well-being and respecting boundaries.
• A therapist can help you build self-worth, manage your emotional state, and navigate communication with your ex.

For many people, the end of a romantic connection can be painful, leading to grief and negatively impacting mental health. Experiencing a mix of conflicting emotions and desires can be natural as you process a loss. Talking to an ex and maintaining communication after a breakup is often challenging to navigate.

In some cases, talking to your ex about your breakup after it’s over may give you a sense of closure or help you establish healthy guideline for your future relationship. The following strategies may be beneficial if you're wondering how to check in with your ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or ex-partner after a breakup. If you’re struggling to move forward, support is available through online or in-person therapy.

Should you talk to your ex?

Before you reach out, it can be beneficial to consider whether speaking to your ex will be productive. Contact with your ex may be helpful if:

• You have children together
• You want to return their belongings to them
• You need to settle financial matters
• You have a professional relationship
• You must navigate legal matters

Outside of these situations, it’s often healthier to take more space for yourself. Reflecting on the relationship, taking note of any red flags on either side, and recognizing anything you may have done wrong can help you grow as a person. In addition, if your ex has expressed that they do not wish to remain in contact, it can be vital to respect their boundaries.

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Preparing yourself before reaching out

If you’ve decided to reach out, taking time to focus on self-reflection first may help you navigate the conversation effectively. Consider your motivation for reaching out and whether your expectations for the interaction are realistic. You may think about all possible outcomes and how you will respond to them if they arise, which can provide an opportunity for self-improvement. Seeking advice from loved ones or a therapist can also be helpful.

The first talk after a breakup: How to talk to your ex without opening old wounds

After a breakup, talking to your ex may occur at some point, even if it’s just a short conversation. You might belong to the same friend group, attend the same school, work in the same office, or have belongings or children together. Exes sometimes meet up to distribute belongings, discuss future dynamics, or return items from the relationship. 

Whatever your situation, navigating the first talk after your breakup may lead to mixed emotions. You may feel sadness, confusion, anger, relief, or grief. Before reaching out to your ex, you might check in with yourself, process your emotions internally or externally, and talk with trusted friends or loved ones. It could be beneficial to allow some time to pass before initiating the first discussion with an ex-partner.

When you feel ready for this conversation, check in with your ex-partner to confirm that they're also ready. Avoid leading them to feel pressured to keep the door open to a friendship or romantic connection. You may have different goals for the aftermath of your relationship. Ultimately, respect your partner's boundaries if they ask for distance. Additionally, consider discussing the following if you initiate a conversation after the breakup. 

Rules and boundaries: What to say and what to avoid

When figuring out how to talk to an ex, try to be clear about your boundaries and discuss when and why you'll need to maintain contact in the future. If you're co-parenting, for instance, you may implement a rule about calling your ex at the child's bedtime so that both parents can say goodnight. 

These rules should be respected by both parties; for example, calling to say goodnight when the kids went to bed an hour and a half ago is not within the boundaries of the agreed-upon contact period. Ultimately, your game plan can be unique to your situation and emotional needs. Other common boundaries for an effective strategy might include the following: 

• Having a no contact rule for a month or two 
• Asking for your furniture, clothes, or items back 
• Letting them know not to show up at your house expecting to talk or spend time together
• Advising them that you might block them or choose not to share stories on social media with them for some time 
• Letting them know if you're open to friendship or not 
• Asking your ex not to contact your family
• Asking them to keep new relationships or people they find attractive to themselves

Friendship 

Friendship after romance may not happen for everyone, but some individuals might desire reconnection. In the LGBTQIA+ community, for instance, studies show people may be more likely to keep in contact with exes. They might also be more likely to express satisfaction with those friendships than heterosexual individuals.  

Ultimately, your ability to remain friends can depend on your emotional needs, identities, and communities, which may shape the likelihood of running into an ex or deciding to be friends. Some exes might not feel comfortable being friends because one or both still have romantic feelings, the breakup wasn't mutual, or they had bad experiences in a past relationship. 

The first post-breakup discussion may be influenced by your history together and goals for the relationship. Whether you'd ultimately like to be friends, amicable co-parents, or cut ties entirely, establishing guidelines and boundaries can prepare you both for the next stage. 

Talking to your ex over text versus in person: Reading your ex’s response

While speaking via text message can be convenient and practical, particularly in long-distance situations, it can also make it challenging to fully understand your ex’s responses. Text messages lack the nonverbal cues that typically guide in-person conversations. Keeping conversations brief, clear, and respectful can be key, and considering whether it’s really necessary to reach out can also be important. You may realize that you’re unlikely to receive a positive response, or that your ex’s feelings don’t align with your own, for example.

When talking leads to closure or rekindling the relationship

Many people choose to reach out to their exes because they hope to rekindle the relationship. While speaking to your ex can sometimes lead to closure, it can also lead to emotional pain. If your self-worth rests on having a special relationship with your ex, it may be best to focus on inner work and consider seeking support from a licensed mental health professional. 

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Other tips for how to talk to an ex

For many people, the first time talking to an ex may not be the final encounter. After establishing healthy boundaries for your post-breakup relationship, you may continue to connect over time and, in some cases, sustain a friendship or get back together. 

Remember these tips for your situation before reaching out to an ex-partner so you can heal from the relationship.

Take time to process the relationship before talking

Try to do the "work" of reflecting on and ultimately healing from any wounds that may have developed during your relationship. You may not want to try jumping into a friendship if the breakup happened less than a month ago or you still have hard feelings.

It’s possible that the more energy you invest in processing and amicably dissolving a romantic relationship, the more satisfied you may be with its ending, and the more likely you may remain friends. 

When you decide to talk to an ex, it may be necessary for both people to discuss their reflections on how the relationship ended and clearly express past hurts and feelings. Try to use active listening skills to understand where your ex is coming from; clarity can be critical. Rather than ignoring past issues or insisting that they don't matter, clearly explain how an ex's past actions affected you to help you reflect, apologize, and potentially move on.

You may wonder, "Should I talk to my ex after a breakup?". Depending on how you and your ex used to communicate, you may decide to limit your contact to texts, phone calls, or in-person meetups only. In the first few months after a breakup, you might opt for a combination of these outlets or no contact. This can be important to consider if either of you still has strong feelings. 

For some, texting an ex can be tempting. Before you reach out, consider the following:

Try not to text unless you intend to benefit both parties. Think about whether this communication might cross your ex's boundaries and how they might feel hearing from you.

Consider keeping your texts and other communication clear, simple, and focused on setting dates and times for further discussion, if desired. 

Try not to text or call if your ex is starting a new relationship. Depending on your friendship status with an ex, this rule might vary. However, try to be mindful of your ex's autonomy to pursue new relationships, be wary of asking for more detail in the post-breakup stage, and avoid telling them you miss them or trying to re-attract them to you.

Regardless of how you decide to talk to your ex, it can be ideal to establish this plan within the first few weeks after a breakup so that you both understand the new expectations moving forward. If your ex asked you not to contact them when you broke up, respect their wishes. If they wish to communicate with you again, they may reach out in the future. Breaking rules you established together can lead to sticky situations and potentially sour the relationship.  

Establish a new normal and take space from mutual friends if needed

The definition of "normal" may vary for every person and relationship. Ending a relationship might signify the end of your previous definition of "normal." Losing a partner can mean losing a best friend, routine, and other daily rituals, habits, and expectations.

A breakup can cause a shift in your life. As you adjust to a new routine without your ex, be gentle with yourself and grant yourself time and space to grieve the old relationship. For a period, you might need space from the following: 

• Mutual friends 
• Activities you used to do with your ex
• Places that remind you of the relationship

While this time can be painful, it can also be an opportunity to develop healthy coping strategies and uncover new hobbies, interests, and friendships. While research is always evolving, some older studies suggest that positive emotions can also occur after a breakup, especially if your previous relationship did not expand your sense of self or encourage personal growth.

Move on from your past relationship and open yourself up to new ones

With time, you and your ex may begin new friendships and relationships with other partners. If you're maintaining communication with your ex, this period may call for extra clarity and new boundaries. As you build your social network after a breakup, keep the following considerations in mind. 

Prioritize new partners

If you are interested in someone else, focus on this budding relationship. To form a healthy foundation, you typically need to build trust and respect each other's needs.

In some cases, your new partner may feel uncomfortable if you communicate regularly with an ex. Try to validate your partner's concerns, show them there's no competition, and ask how you can help them feel safe and comfortable in your relationship.

Know when to avoid talking to your ex

If communication with an ex is no longer serving you, you may choose to let go. You might choose to stop the communication to honor a new partner's needs or safeguard your mental health and safety. Relationships end for various reasons, and cutting off communication might be the best idea if it is a challenging breakup.

If the past relationship included abuse of any kind, it’s recommended to cut ties and consult a therapist before resuming communication with an ex.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Seek professional help to care for your mental health

A therapist can help you prepare for a conversation with your ex after a breakup. With grace and compassion, a counselor can challenge you to reflect on your relationship and help you clearly state your motivations for reaching out to an ex. 

Breakups are rarely easy; in fact, most breakups are quite difficult. After going through one, some people wish to speak to counselors who specialize in sex therapy, marriage and couples therapy, and related subspecialties. These professionals can recognize the complexities and pain that might arise from romantic partnerships and have the psychological tools and expertise to guide you through a breakup. They can provide you with advice to promote overall well-being and a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

Online therapy for breakup recovery

Modern therapists frequently offer specialized services online, making quality mental health care available and affordable for a broader range of people. A 2021 study of young adult women who engaged in online group cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) after breakups found that the participants' scores for self-esteem and capacity to forgive ex-partners increased significantly after online therapy. 

Before reaching a breaking point in their relationship, online couples therapy can also help couples improve communication and restore a romantic connection. Many couples therapists and other licensed mental health professionals have transferred their services to online platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples.

BetterHelp online therapy may be particularly helpful for individuals who desire professional support as they recover from difficult breakups. The platform’s advanced matching process can pair each individual with a suitable provider, and they can attend weekly live sessions via their choice of video, audio, or live chat. Additional tools like journal prompts, an online habit tracker, support groups, and educational classes can also be valuable for those who wish to fully embrace the healing journey.

Getting started with BetterHelp is simple:

1. Take a short questionnaire. Answer a few quick questions about your goals, preferences, and the type of therapist you’d like to work with.
2. Get matched quickly. In most cases, you can be matched with a licensed provider in as little as 48 hours.
3. Start therapy on your terms. Schedule sessions by video, phone, or live chat, and join from anywhere you have an internet connection.

Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.

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Takeaway

Talking to your ex after a breakup can be challenging, but in some cases, it may be necessary. Keeping communication clear, respectful, and to the point may lead to the best results. Often, it can be better to avoid reaching out, instead taking time to focus on your own well-being. Online and in-person therapy can be beneficial for those who are struggling to cope with a difficult breakup or heartbreak.