Should I Talk To My Ex Or Stay Away? - BetterHelp

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Should I Talk To My Ex Or Stay Away?Medically reviewed by Elizabeth Erban, LMFT, IMH-EUpdated February 2nd, 2026 by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Key takeaways

• When thinking about contacting your ex, it may be helpful to consider whether doing so is a healthy choice.
• Turning to loved ones who are familiar with the situation may provide you with advice.
• Speaking to a licensed therapist can help you gain insight and a more objective view of your options.

Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Relationships can be complicated. No matter how healthy, each relationship may come with unique challenges, setbacks, or breakups. In some cases, relationships end, and you may get to a point when you desire to reach out to or reconnect with your ex. 

If you've experienced a breakup, it can be normal to think about your ex. However, whether you're ready to reconnect can be a significant decision, and if you are asking, “Should I contact my ex?” you may want to consider a few factors first.

Should I talk to my ex again?

Breaking up with someone can feel challenging, and you or your ex-partner may feel deeply hurt, whether the decision is mutual or not. As 64% of Americans have experienced a breakup at least once, many know losing someone can stir up negative emotions. You may have broken up for a healthy reason, or perhaps your lives or desires weren't compatible. 

When speaking to your ex becomes a possibility, you may want to consider several options. Think about how your relationship ended. If you experienced a respectful, mutual parting, talking to your ex may be a healthy choice. If it was a separation due to abuse, unhealthy patterns, or painful emotions, it might not be the best idea to text your ex or contact them in any way.Because each relationship can be unique, deciding to talk to your ex can be a complex issue. Everyone wants to know how to talk to their ex since it might not be a simple thing to do in the first place. Evaluate your relationship, needs, and boundaries before making a choice. 

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Ask yourself questions 

Ask yourself a few questions before deciding whether talking to your ex is healthy. 

• How did the relationship end? 
• How much time has passed? 
• Why do you want to reach out? 
• What do you want to happen? 
• Are you in a safe place? 
• Do you feel that reaching out is the healthiest option?
• How will you feel if you don't get the reaction you're hoping for? 
• Are you reaching out because you feel lonely? 
• Is there something else that may bring you the same feeling as talking to your ex? 
• How would talking to your ex improve your situation?

Thinking through all the possible consequences before reaching for your phone may help you avoid unpleasant feelings or embarrassment if your ex is unkind or unresponsive. 

Consider what might happen after you reach out as well. If the attempt to connect goes well, what are you hoping for? Will you have an extended conversation? How do you hope to leave the interaction? These questions can help you determine whether you truly want to reconnect. 

Is it normal to reconnect after a breakup?

Not every couple that breaks up stops communicating. Some couples decide to forge ahead with a friendship after some time has passed or when both parties have healed. However, others find that reconnecting or staying friends is not a healthy option. 

Some couples may find themselves getting back together, potentially several times, until they realize the same unhealthy patterns occur. This cycle can prevent individuals from moving on and exploring a healthy new relationship with someone more compatible.

Others might reconcile and heal areas of the relationship that were previously not working and stay together in a healthier dynamic. In some cases, you might not get a response from your ex, which can be normal. They might need time to wait before they start dating again, or it could be that they don't desire a connection with you anymore.After breaking up with someone, try to focus on how you feel, evaluate your needs, and (if applicable) seek support from your family and close circle. Although the breakup might have been the right decision, it’s natural to feel sad and miss them. However, in many cases, it might be wrong to act on the feeling of missing them. Your ex is no longer your partner and may not be your friend, so try to take some time alone to focus on the positive aspects of your life and your overall well-being. Time without contact may facilitate healing, a healthier perspective, and a greater awareness of your needs. 

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Was it an abusive or unhealthy relationship?

If you were in a toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationship, you might decide against contacting your ex. These qualities could carry from a romantic relationship to a platonic one. Additionally, those impacted by abuse may feel a need to turn to past abusive partners due to the cycle of abuse. Cutting off communication and ensuring you're in a safe and healthy environment can be vital.

If your relationship was healthy and blossomed from an existing friendship, staying in contact can still prove tricky, as you may have already created space in your brain for this person romantically. Moving on may feel more challenging if they are still in your life. 

How to decide whether to reach out to an ex

Most breakups are synonymous with heartbreak. Even if you want to move on, the question "Why do I miss my ex?" may sometimes linger in your mind. Although reaching out to an ex can feel tempting, it may result in unpleasant repercussions in some cases. 

You might feel ready and positive until you notice how involved you still are emotionally. You might hope that all future interactions with your former partner will end happily and result in a respectful, considerate conversation. 

However, it’s possible that:

1. 1. Your ex may not have made any personal developments in their life since you left.

   2. Your ex may display the same behavioral patterns as before.

   3. The reason for your breakup may not be resolved.

   4. Conflict may resurface over time.

Think before you act

Consider all your options and the possible implications of reaching out to your ex before you do. You might realize that reconnecting isn't necessarily the answer, and while you may have spent a special time together, don’t fight the reality if they’re not interested in reconnecting. 

Remember why you broke up and how you felt in those moments. Did your ex do something to hurt you deeply? Did you realize something important about your personality or needs in life? There may have been an incompatibility that indicates reaching out wouldn't be a healthy choice for you. 

Only you can determine whether reaching out might be beneficial or make you feel worse. If you do decide you want to talk to your ex and feel it is the healthiest choice, start simple and with respect. Try not to jump into romantic or sexual acts with them. You might meet in a public or group setting to get a feel for the energy between you. One other form of reconnection could be digital; sending a message online to explain that you want to reconnect can be low-stakes and give your ex a chance to think before responding.

Find your motivation behind the urge

Evaluate your motivation before speaking to an ex. If you're finding it challenging to be honest with yourself or talk yourself out of an urge, you might consider speaking to a counselor. A therapist can guide you while you learn about your needs, boundaries, and hopes. They may also ask guiding questions to help you decide whether your motivations are healthy.Not every breakup may require therapeutic intervention or help from a relationship coach. In many cases, you can seek support from a close friend or family member. 

It may be beneficial to seek professional support if you:

1. 1. Are experiencing emotional distress

   2. Have a sense of being firmly pulled toward your ex

   3. Struggle to see the situation clearly

A mental health professional may be able to help you manage the negative emotions surrounding the breakup and give you exercises to stop thinking about your ex so deeply. 

Online therapy for relationship advice

No matter your reason for leaving a relationship, if you're experiencing urges to reconnect in ways you do not determine healthy for yourself, it may be time to reach out for support. A therapist may remind you why you left or help you chart the pros and cons of reconnecting.

After a breakup, if you're struggling to leave home or keep up with appointments, that can be normal. Services like online therapy exist to remove barriers to treatment for those who want help. Additionally, studies show that online therapy can significantly benefit those feeling lonely or isolated after a breakup or due to mental health challenges. 

Getting started with BetterHelp is simple:

1. Take a short questionnaire. Answer a few quick questions about your goals, preferences, and the type of therapist you’d like to work with.
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3. Start therapy on your terms. Schedule sessions by video, phone, or live chat, and join from anywhere you have an internet connection.

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Takeaway

Breakups often occur for a reason. Although it may be difficult, focusing on your health and growth might limit your desire to reach out to an ex. Connecting with a therapist is one way to focus on your personal growth. Consider taking the first step on a platform like BetterHelp.

Read moreFrequently asked questionsRead more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

Can ex-lovers be friends?

Whether ex-lovers can remain friends after a breakup is often a matter of opinion and personal circumstances. If you have been in a relationship with someone and both agree that you are better off as friends instead of lovers, it may be possible to remain friends.  

However, you and your ex may consider your feelings about the friendship to decide whether it's best to remain friends or completely disconnect. If you and your ex decide to be friends, establish boundaries within the friendship and try to be respectful of each other's feelings if either of you begins to feel that remaining friends was not the best idea.

Is there a reason why you shouldn’t reach out to your ex?

While some couples can end a relationship and choose to remain friends, this is not always the case. When you go through a breakup, you may choose to allow yourself time to heal away from your ex-partner. Before you talk again, consider the following.

How long does it take for exes to get back together?

Exes may not get back together in many cases. In the cases where exes do reconcile, there may not be a specific timeline. In these cases, reconciling could take a few days to a few years. If you want to get back together with your ex, starting an open conversation and utilizing active listening could be beneficial. 

Will no contact make him move on?

Going "no contact" may mean not speaking to someone any longer. You might block their profiles, ignore their messages, or publicly avoid them. Utilizing this strategy to get your ex to move on may or may not work. 

If your ex still loves you or hopes to reconnect, he may feel he is "waiting" for you to reach out. Instead of ignoring him, consider letting him know you're not interested in speaking or interacting with him anymore before you go no contact.   

What goes through someone’s mind during no contact?

Different people may respond to no contact differently. They might experience the following. 

Confusion 

If you made no contact without warning, your ex might have expected you to text, talk, or call them. They may feel confused if they don't receive any notice from you. 

Regret 

If your relationship ended on unfavorable terms, your ex might start to regret their behavior or the circumstances that led up to the breakup. They could want to apologize or reconcile. 

Speculation 

Your ex might wonder if you have met someone new or started another relationship due to your level of contact. 

Mutual friends 

Your ex might go up to mutual friends or people in your life to ask about your or gain information on what you are doing. 

How long does it take for an ex to miss you with no contact?

After a breakup, you might wonder if your ex will miss you. Some people may immediately have feelings of loneliness and miss their ex. Others may experience moments of missing an ex that come and go. In other cases, an ex may not miss you at all, or you might find that you do not miss your ex and feel a sense of relief without them. 

How do you know if your ex is over you?

Your ex might be over you if they exhibit the following signs: 

• They treat you the same as others
• They show no signs of jealousy when they date or see other people 
• They return your belongings or keepsakes from the relationship
• They unfollow or block you on social media 
• They ignore your attempts to contact them 
• They start dating someone new 

How do I know if my ex still loves me?

Wanting to know if your ex still has feelings for you can be natural. Some possible signs may include the following: 

• They like or comment on your social media posts
• They show up at events you go to 
• They try to talk to you or strike up a conversation
• They tell you they still care
• They act interested in being friends
• They make playlists about you 

Why does my ex contact me when he has a girlfriend?

After a breakup, you may notice your ex trying to contact you while in a new relationship. This behavior might make sense if you have children together or unresolved matters to care for. However, there may be no reason for your ex to contact you, and it could make you uncomfortable or confused.  

Your ex may want to make you feel jealous or reconnect as friends. Consider having a conversation to discern the reasoning behind his efforts. If you're not interested in reconnecting, let him know. 

How do I know if my breakup is final?

You may know your breakup is final if your ex or you declare it is. If one of you isn't willing to reconnect, they may make it known. On the other hand, your breakup could be final if one of you moves away or starts a new relationship. If your ex comes back and wants to reconnect, you may choose to end the relationship forever or give it another shot. 

Do guys miss you after a breakup?

An ex may miss you after a breakup. It can often depend on the length and state of the relationship or whether you or your ex initiated the breakup. If you're unsure whether your ex misses you, focus on yourself until you feel you have moved on from the relationship enough to talk to your ex. 

Why is my ex keeping in touch?

Aside from having children in common or needing to communicate about responsibilities, there are several reasons an ex may try to keep in touch with you.  An ex might continue to talk to you because they want you in their life, or they might want to try to get back together.  

For some, the familiarity of talking to someone that they once spent a great deal of time with could relieve feelings of loneliness or feel comfortable. Some individuals feel they can remain close after a breakup without negative emotions. In these cases, your ex might want you as a friend. 

Some exes might feel guilty for going "no contact" after a breakup and want to keep up with you to indicate it wasn't personal. Think about how this makes you feel and whether staying in touch feels like a healthy choice for you. 

Should I talk to my ex after no contact?

Before considering contact with an ex after having no contact, try to remember why you parted ways in the first place. If your relationship ended because of abuse or you felt in danger, it may be best to avoid contact.

Is it healthy to keep in touch with an ex?

Keeping in touch with an ex can be healthy in some situations. It may depend on why your relationship ended and what you intend to do as friends. However, if you constantly think of your ex and feel you cannot move on from them, keeping in touch might not be healthy until you can stop feeling romantic feelings toward them.

If you were friends beforehand and a relationship didn't work out, it might feel natural to return to being friends. However, if you're trying to be friends in hopes of getting back together, the situation may not end how you hope. If you broke up for a healthy reason, staying friends could make it hard to keep to your decision. 

If you see your ex as a secondary option or a backup to being alone, this may not be a healthy mindset. Your ex may deserve someone who loves them and commits to them if that is what they want.

How long before you should talk to your ex after a breakup?

You may want to wait at least 30 days before you speak to your ex after a breakup. You might wait longer if you were together for a few years or more and broke up. 

Often, a few months to a year can be a suitable amount of time to wait for many individuals. If you're still upset about your breakup, give yourself as much time as you need to feel comfortable. You do not have to talk to your ex again if you don't want to. 

Can you truly be friends with an ex?

If you were friends with your ex beforehand, it might be possible to be friends again. However, there could be difficult emotions involved. Many exes find themselves having urges to sleep together or be close in non-platonic ways. You might feel that you and your ex are dating again, but find that they are in a relationship with someone else. 

If you hope to be friends with an ex, keep communication open. Discuss your needs in the relationship and set boundaries if necessary. 

Why do some exes keep in touch?

Exes may keep in touch because they love each other platonically and romantically. They may find that they still value each other's presence and don't want to lose the connection. At times, however, they may want to continue to have a physical relationship without any rules or commitment, which can be normal if it feels healthy to both partners. 

Sometimes people stay in touch with their ex because they want to get back together and hope it may happen someday. In these cases, they may feel led on or hurt if their ex doesn't want to get back together. 

If you're unsure whether your reason for being in your ex's life is healthy, consider speaking with a counselor. A therapist may be able to examine your thoughts and emotions to help you come to a conclusion. 

Should I confront my ex for closure?

Confronting your ex may not be beneficial. If you had an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you might feel worse or be exposed to potentially dangerous situations if you confront your ex. Instead, find closure by working on self-growth, seeing a counselor, or doing things you love. 

How do I stop wanting to talk to my ex?

If you struggle to stop thinking about your ex, it may mean you haven't processed the emotions from your relationship or your breakup. You may still love your ex and could've gotten into another relationship too soon or pushed yourself to ignore your emotions for a while. 

Studies show that suppressing your emotions can have mental and physical consequences. Therefore, discussing your feelings with a therapist or writing them in a journal could be beneficial. Try to let out any thoughts or feelings on paper whenever a thought about your ex arises. 

If you feel a judgmental thought about your feelings, try to dispel it. It can be normal to still love your ex for a long time after your breakup. It doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be with them or won't stop loving them someday. You may find that processing and validating your emotions helps you release them. 

How do I talk to my ex I still love?

If you are still speaking to your ex-partner and feel love for them, ask yourself if it is healthy. Are you hurting because of your relationship status? Would it be healthier for you to spend some time alone? If so, a counselor, friend, or family member may be able to help you leave the friendship. 

Will my ex ever reach out?

Everyone can be different after a breakup. Your ex might reach out someday, and they might not. Learning to live with uncertainty and accept situations you can't control may benefit you. You might try a skill, such as radical acceptance, from DBT. 

If your ex does reach out, you can decide how to react when it happens. Consider having a plan for this situation about what you'll say, what boundaries you need to set, and how you'll receive support if necessary. 

Why do I still love my ex?

If you love your ex, it can be normal. You may have had a meaningful connection with them for a significant amount of time. They could have once been a close relationship in your life, and it can be challenging to transition from seeing someone all the time to not seeing them anymore. 

At times, relationship breakups can cause symptoms of grief. In these cases, you might find that your feelings for your ex cycle confusingly. You may feel angry, sad, lonely, or loving toward them on different days. 

You may not have wanted the breakup to happen, and it did. Understanding that a situation has ended may not always mean your feelings go away. If you want to work to let go of your ex or deal with your grief, speaking to a counselor could be a valuable choice. 

Does your ex want to talk to you?

If your ex is not trying to contact you, they may not be ready to communicate or do not wish to be reached. In this case, consider taking time alone and giving your ex space. 

If you want to know how they feel, try checking in once. If they do not respond or tell you to leave them alone, respect their wishes and do not try again unless they reach out to you. Repeated contact with someone asking you to stop can be considered stalking or harassment. 

Did your relationship end on positive terms?

If your relationship did not end on favorable terms, you might find that reaching out to your ex doesn't yield the results you hope for. You may find positivity and hope in other areas, such as through friends, family, pets, or hobbies. 

Who ended the relationship?

If you broke up with your ex and are feeling guilty or second-guessing yourself, consider how your ex feels. They may not feel ready to talk or could have felt hurt by your decision. If your ex left you, try to remember why and ask yourself what they might think if you reach out.  

Are you still in love with your ex?

Are you considering reaching out to your ex because you love them? You may be missing a memory or an idea of your ex. Additionally, you could feel lonely, or your needs might not be met in a current relationship. 

If you got back together with your ex and everything remained the same as when you broke up, would you feel happy or satisfied with it? 

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