The Ick | What Is "the Ick" And Why Do We Get It? - Cosmopolitan

When he drops a coin and fumbles to pick it up? Ick. When she says her ex-girlfriend is her platonic soulmate (but don’t worry, she’s totally over her)? Ick. When you find out they’re an android user? Ick.

You’ve probably heard of ‘the ick’ — after all, it’s become pretty ubiquitous in dating conversations — but it’s still a relationship phenomenon that can be difficult to understand. We might not always be sure why it happens, but when it happens, we definitely know about it. You might have heard about your friends experiencing the ick, or you might have felt it yourself without really knowing what it is.

Thanks to the popularity of the term, it’s often name-dropped without a concrete definition. But when you hear all the different contexts in which someone can get the ick, well, it doesn’t exactly help to whittle down its meaning.

Even more confusingly, a new study has found that certain personality traits might be more susceptible than others when it comes to getting the ick in the first place. Researchers from Azusa Pacific University in the US found that people who are more prone to disgust, hold others to high standards, or who score higher in narcissism are more likely to experience the ick.

So, what? Does that mean I’m the problem? Not exactly. But it might be worth thinking about why you’ve got the ick before making any big decisions. As the study’s co-author Eliana Saunders told PsyPost: “One of the most important lessons a reader can take from our findings is that it’s important to take each ‘ick’ with a grain of salt.”

“While this feeling of disgust could be a valid marker of mate incompatibility, it could also be a symptom of [your personality traits],” she continued. “Before dumping a partner because their feet dangle when they sit in a chair, we should think critically about why we’re feeling ‘icked’ out. Ask yourself: Is this something I truly can’t deal with, or am I being overly critical? Is this ‘ick’ their fault, or is it mine?”

Whether it’s sparked by you or them, what actually is ‘the ick’ and how do you know you’ve got it? Here’s everything you need to know...

What is ‘the ick’?

‘The ick’ was first coined by Ally in TV show Ally McBeal, and, as dating expert Hayley Quinn explains: “It’s a dating term that means you get a sudden cringe feeling when you have romantic contact with someone: and become almost immediately put off by them.” You might feel suddenly repulsed, put off, or cringed out by the person you’re dating — that’s ‘the ick’ talking.”

“The ick is different to just doubting whether you want to be with somebody,” says Gurpreet Singh, a relationship counsellor and psychotherapist at Relate. “The ick is much more repulsive. It’s a very strong gut reaction, either to the mannerisms of the person or the way they behave.”

“It could be that you’ve picked something up in their value system that’s completely different from yours, the way they laugh or tell a joke might completely irritate you, or it could even just be their look or smell. There are a whole variety of reasons why the ick develops, but it’s a deep feeling that this person isn’t somebody you want to be with.”

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“Feeling the ick doesn’t mean that the person you’re dating has done anything wrong,” adds Gurpreet. “They’re just the way they are and it might just irritate you.”

But ‘the ick’ doesn't just rear its head in romantic or sexual contexts, some folks can get icked out by their friends, too. In fact, over the past year, searches for ‘friendship ick’ have increased by 33%.

Some of the most common reasons for the ‘platonic ick’? Well, according to a recent survey, the reasons are pretty self-explanatory: lateness, rudeness, self-involvement, flakiness, constantly putting you down, bragging, flirting with your partner, being slow to reply, demanding a lot of your attention, and bad table manners.

How long does it usually take to catch ‘the ick’?

Unfortunately, catching the ick can happen to anyone, and there doesn’t seem to be much you can do to stop it. Hayley explains that the ick can be nearly instant. “You go on a few dates with someone who is doing all the right things but you just can’t shake that feeling of wanting to physically recoil when they come closer,” says Hayley. “This can also happen later on in the dating stages, when someone does something that suddenly becomes a major turn off.”

“The ick largely happens early on in a relationship when you’re getting to know the person you’re dating, usually within the first few months or the honeymoon period. You might start to realise repeated behaviours that give you the ick,” adds Gurpreet.

“However, if you start having doubts later down the line in a relationship, that’s probably not an ick and would be more indicative of just drifting apart.”

Why do people catch ‘the ick’ in a relationship?

If you really like the person you’re dating, it can be kinda confusing when ‘the ick’ seemingly comes out of nowhere.

“Often people undervalue the amount of unconscious communication that happens in a relationship,” says Gurpreet. “Our responses to somebody’s smell, behaviour, or value systems can largely be unconscious, and the ick usually comes from that unconscious gut reaction.”

“If you feel the ick, give it some time to think about whether you could put up with their behaviour long-term. However, if you can’t even tolerate them touching your hand then it’s not something you can continue to put up with. Ultimately, you shouldn’t ignore it. The ick is a gut reaction, and usually the best thing is to trust your gut.”

“The ick is a gut reaction, and usually the best thing is to trust your gut”

However, while the ick might be a response to something irritating that the other person does, Hayley says that it could also signify a hesitancy to get closer to the person. “When you get the ick, it can be good to self reflect: am I being too picky? Do I just need more time to get comfortable with this person? Sometimes the ick can reflect our own discomfort with getting closer to someone, rather than something the other person is actively doing,” says Hayley.

How can you tell if you’ve caught ‘the ick’?

“If you have the ick, you will know about it! You will find yourself justifying why you should keep seeing someone, telling yourself, ‘But they’re so nice!’, when your gut instinct is telling you you’re just not feeling it,” explains Hayley. “It can happen when you know someone likes you, you recognise that they have good qualities, and you really want a relationship... but you feel like you’re trying to force yourself to feel something you don’t.”

Gurpreet adds that when you've got ‘the ick’, “you’ll feel irritated, repulsed, you won’t want to go near the person or might want to leave the room if they’re in it. You might feel embarrassed by them or ashamed of them, and might not want them to touch or kiss you or hold your hand”.

“Anything that feels like you want to get away from the person is a pretty good indication that something isn’t right, because, obviously, in a relationship, you should want to enjoy their company.”

Can you get rid of ‘the ick’ once you’ve caught it?

Although you might want to try to rationalise your feelings, and convince yourself that you do like this person despite feeling cringed out, at the end of the day ‘the ick’ is a feeling that’s pretty hard to shake.

“Ultimately it’s always best to trust your instincts and accept you want to move on,” says Hayley. “You can know you want to have a relationship, you can know you like their qualities, but you can also accept you just don’t feel that way about them.”

Gurpreet adds: “It depends whether the behaviours that irritate you are negotiable and whether they can change them. But it’s not something they can change, like their natural mannerisms, then it’s better to understand sooner rather than later that the relationship isn’t going to work, because that will allow you to move on more quickly to a relationship that is right for you.”

Women who have experienced ‘the ick’ explain what it feels like

1.“The ick never lies, don’t ignore it,” says Vanessa*

“I’d been going out with this guy for a couple weeks before we had sex for the first time. After that, I found him bit annoying but I just told myself it was nothing and carried on as normal. Then about three months in, something in my head just completely switched and I just couldn’t stand being around him. His voice annoyed me, his jokes weren’t funny anymore, I clammed up when he tried to hug or kiss me.

I was young and didn’t really get it though, so I just stayed with him but bitched to my friends relentlessly. One day we were in a cab and he caught me texting my best friend saying how much I couldn’t stand him. That’s when I realised I was being a huge dick and had to pull the plug.

We stayed friends after and the ick miraculously went away as soon as we broke up. I felt bad for how I’d been but I think I was so young I didn’t really get it, now I see that there’s a big difference between your partner getting on your nerves and full-blown ick. Teachable moment; the ick never lies, don’t ignore it.”

2. “The ick manifested in a kind of semi panic attack,” says Amber*

“I met a guy years ago on a dating app. He was handsome and funny, kind, and keen. In the days running up to the first date he had been in NYC and arrived to the pub brandishing a bag of gifts for me, small and silly things, but nonetheless I could feel the ick rising in my throat. It felt a lot for a first date.

We went on a couple more dates and then one evening I came home to my flat, through two very imposing security gates and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my front door. The doormat was covered in potted geraniums, like a lot of them (I had mentioned in passing that I quite liked them), and there was a handwritten card containing an elaborate itinerary for the next date. The ick manifested in a kind of semi panic attack and then I pulled the plug. Too much too soon!”

“Three months in, something completely switched and I just couldn’t stand being around him”

3. “I was already unsure of him anyway,” says Carmen*

“I was dating this guy who I was a little unsure of anyway and then witnessed him try and do sexy dancing. There is nothing less sexy than a man with zero rhythm moving like a drunk dad at a wedding.”

4. “The thought of him licking my vagina made me want to die,” says Giorgina*

“I went downstairs to my front room after a house party and found a friend of a friend Anton* asleep on my sofa. We got chatting, went up to my room to watch trash TV and ended up hanging out the whole of the next day, hooking up, and having fairly decent sex. We hooked up again not long after on a night out with friends, then went on a dinner date shortly after that and all of a sudden I looked at him across the table, chopsticks in hand and the thought of him licking my vagina made me want. To. Die. He didn’t necessarily do or say anything but I noticed his hoody and leather jacket combo was actually a 2-in-1 garment, not two separate ones, which maybe put me off a bit? But after that I had to break it off ASAP.”

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Emily GullaFormer Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer

Emily Gulla was Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer, covering celebs, TV and film for the site, magazine and video. She’s interviewed the casts of your favourite TV shows, from Bridgerton to Derry Girls and Stranger Things, as well as dozens of Love Islanders. She also loves getting stuck into long-read features, writing on all things digital culture (including her favourite topic: memes), and dating - having appeared on the radio to discuss dating.

Emily's work has also been published on ELLE, Women's Health, Harper's Bazaar, Digital Spy and more. She holds a First Class degree in English with Film Studies from King's College London, and even wrote her dissertation on Love Island. You can find Emily on Instagram and LinkedIn, and can see more of her work on her website.

Lois ShearingFormer Senior Sex and Relationship Writer

Lois Shearing is Cosmoplitan's Former Senior Sex and Relationship Writer. They have been writing about sex, sexuality, gender, politics, and relationships for almost ten years. Their writing on these topics has appeared in Mashable, The Independent, Metro, The Advocate, and Byline Times, among others. In 2021, they published their first book, Bi the Way with JKP. They are currently working on two other books, set to be published in 2024. In a previous life, they worked as a content marketer and content writer for various tech start-ups. They continue to be interested in the tech sector and its impact on our lives, relationships, and work, with particular regard to the ways AI will shape our relationships in the future. Outside of work, they are deeply passionate about queer community organising, and run the only support resource for bisexual survivors of sexual violence in the UK: the Bi Survivors Network. You can find them on Instagram and X.

Megan WallaceFormer Sex and Relationships Editor

Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.