What Dating Is Like When You Have BPD | BPD And Relationships

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterised by mood swings, an unstable sense of self and intense, often unstable relationships, according to the NHS. There are plenty of misconceptions out there about BPD – among them that having a longterm or healthy relationship is not a possibility.

However, while there are unique challenges when it comes to managing your condition while in relationships, it doesn't mean you can't be happily partnered, if that is what you want. To learn more about the experience of dating with BPD, we spoke to Debbie Longsdale, Therapy Services Director at Priory.

What is borderline personality disorder?

If you're reading this, it's likely you already have some familiarity with what BPD is. However, for clarity, it's important to be clear on terms and definitions. "Borderline personality disorder is one of the ten recognised personality disorders," says Debbie Longsdale, Therapy Services Director at Priory. "This type of personality disorder can often be difficult to manage and often characterised with unpredictable thinking and behaviour."

What are relationships like for people with BPD?

One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder can be difficulty managing relationships, particularly struggles with developing longer term relationships. "It’s important to acknowledge that someone with diagnosed BPD may have a history of or a recognised pattern of intense and short-lived relationships," explains Longsdale. "They are likely to fall in love or develop friendships quickly and intensely, but then fall out of these relationships just as rapidly."

Some of the reasons behind this includes the tendency for people with BPD to experience trust issues and a fear of abandonment. It's also worth noting that research has shown that people with BPD are less likely to be deterred by potentially problematic behaviour in a prospective partner, which may also feed into relationship distress.

"It is possible for people with BPD to lead healthy lives and have stable relationships with their partners"

What is is like to date someone with BPD?

As Longsdale emphasises "relationships are complex, multi-layered and deeply personal" and each person experiences them differently. However, you may find that dating someone with BPD symptoms (including mood swings or self-destructive behaviour) is a challenge.

As she explains, "tolerance, compassion and acceptance of the condition, as well as an ability not to take aspects of their behaviour personally" are necessary to maintain a healthy relationship when the person you love has BPD.

How can you support a partner that you think has BPD?

BPD can have a significant impact on the lives of the individuals living with the condition, which can be hard for loved ones to watch. If you're looking to support a partner who you suspect has BPD, helping them access mental health support is an important first step.

"The best thing you can do to help the person you love or are beginning a relationship with if you feel they are displaying BPD traits is to encourage them to visit their GP to talk about their symptoms and the impact they are having on their daily life," says Longsdale.

"Their GP may then refer them for an in-depth assessment and expert treatment. Psychiatrists and therapists – such as those working for Priory across the UK - are highly experienced in working with people with BPD and providing them with access to the most effective treatment," she adds.

What tools are available to help people with BPD navigate relationships?

It is important to keep positive about the realities of BPD, even while being aware of the difficulties. As Longsdale puts it; "Even though it can be challenging, it is possible for people with BPD to lead healthy lives and have stable relationships with their partners."

The individual with BPD should focus on their own healing journal and work should also be done within the couple to help build a strong relationship. "Using resources such as therapy, medication where recommended by a suitable professional) and couples counselling can help manage relationships and prevent symptoms from interfering with their personal lives – as well as really working together to understand – and pre-empt – any triggers for extreme behaviour," Longsdale adds.

Finally, it's good to remember that all relationships involve teamwork – and this is no exception. "Both partners need to be committed to managing symptoms."

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Megan WallaceFormer Sex and Relationships Editor

Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.