What If The Astartes Watched The Text-to-Speech Series ? - Chapter 3

Chapter Text

"Should we watch the next episode?" Narek muttered. "Yes." said Ahriman. "Considering the reaction of the Custodian, when asked about the...eh...Age of Something, we can expect some easy laughs. Tech Priest you know what to do." The God-Emperor of Mankind - REALLY? Custodes "Little Kitten" - Y-yes my lord. Emps - THIS HAPPENED. Kitten - On behalf of all mankind I am really sorry my lord. I truly am. Reeaally sorry.

Emps - YOU LET ONE OF THOSE NUTTY CULTS GAIN AHOLD ON MANKIND, AND GROW TO BECOME A STATE RELIGION OF THE IMPERIUM. Narek got a little happy at hearing this. It proved that the people of the Imperium wanted religion to be part of their lives. The others just shot him looks daring him to say anything. AND THEN PEOPLE START TO CUT THEIR OWN FUCKING SPLEEN OUT, WAVING IT AROUND AND THROWING IT AT PEOPLE. ALL IN A POOL OF THEIR OWN JIZZ AND BLOOD TO PROFESS THEIR LOVE FOR ME. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE ALLFATHER DO YOU WORD BEARERS WORSHIP?!?!?!" Bjorn shouted. "I...I...h-h-h..." The Word Bearer tried to answer but no words came to his mouth, and he just lowered his head, ashamed of what happened to the Imperial Cult. Kitten - I'm REALLY sorry. Emps - AND THEN YOU LET SOME POWER-HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKING BUREAUCRAT BECOME THE MASTER OF THE ADMINISTRATUM AND THAT OVERLY DOMINANT ECCLESIARCHY GROXSHIT. EFFECTIVELY CONTROLLING ALL OUR HOT LEATHERY ASSASSINS FROM THE OFFICIO ASSASSINORUM. AND ALL ASSHOLE PSYKERS IN THE ADEPTUS ASTRA TELEPATHICA. OH, AND ALSO OUR FLASHLIGHT GUYS AS WELL. Kitten - B-but- Emps - AND THEN THIS BALLS TO THE WALLS PARAMOUNT OF IMPERIAL INCOMPETENCE THAT HAS BECOME YOUR LEADER STARTS TO KILL AND TORTURE ANYONE HE WANTS BECAUSE IT MAKES HIS BUREAUCRAT BALLS TINGLE WITH DELIGHT "What in the name of Ultramar happened to the Adeptus Administratum?!" Marius Gage half-shouted. INITIATING A MASSIVE, POINTLESS PURGE OF ALL MANKIND. AND IN ADDITION HE DID ALL THIS WITH THE MOST EVIL FUCKING NAME I HAVE EVER HEARD. GOGE VANDIRE. "That name shouts « I'm going to cut your head with a chainaxe ! »" commented Kharn. "How could anyone be stupid enough to not realize it?" "I do not see what is wrong with it. It sounds perfectly fine to me." Abaddon said, Ahriman quickly agreeing with Abaddon, as he also didn't see any problem with the name. SERIOUSLY, HOW COULD YOU EVER TRUST A GUY WITH THAT NAME? G-O-G-E VANDIRE. THAT NAME IS JUST SCREAMING "I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR EYE SOCKETS AND PUT MY PENIS INTO THEM. I MEAN FUCK." "You two were saying?" "Shut up." Ahriman muttered. Kitten - Look my Lord. The events of the Age of Apostasy is all a great shame on the Imperium but he was brought to justice in the end! Why I was even there when it happened. Several Astartes Chapter Masters and the Mechanicus Fabricator-General came around and told us what Vandire had been up to all this time. "They guard Terra and failed to see what Vandire was doing?" Sigismund asked in disbelief. "How could they be soo blind that it took SEVERAL!! Chapter Masters AND the Fabricator-General to open their eyes?!" And then we helped out by conveying the truth of the matter to the leader of Vandire's bodyguards, the Brides of the Emperor, by directing her straight to you! Why I remember it all like it was yesterday...

(Flashback to 5000 years ago. A Sororitas and Kitten are in front of the Golden Throne.)

Head Bodyguard Sororitas - Ah... the sacred God Emperor himself... upon the Golden Throne of Terra. He is so beautiful. I've never seen anything as bewitching and graceful in all my life. Sisterly arousal Kitten - I know right?! And we get to clean his entire body several times a week! Sororitas - I'm so unfathomably jealous I could BURN you all right now... but I won't so don't worry. But still... "Is she aroused by a corpse?" Raldoron of the Blood Angels asked, to no one in particular. "If you find that strange, I would advise you to avoid Mars," the Tech Priest answered. No one knew if he was joking or not, but they all made a mental note that they should avoid Mars from this point on. Kitten, totally weirded out - RIIIIIGHT. Anyway as you can see Vandire isn't the one your supposed to be looking up to. More Sisterly arousal He doesn't do anything but deceive to gain more power. He is a madman and his reign of blood MUST BE STOPPED! Sisterly giggling Hey- are you even listening?! Sororitas - Hm? Oh I'm sorry I spaced out. The Emperor has some... quite divine looking abs. "This is disturbing." To everyone's surprise, it was Jago Sevatarion, First Captain of the Night Lords, that said this. "Well, to be fair, once your Brides of the Emperor turn you on, you're kinda boned." "Bjorn." "Yes, Ahriman?" "No more puns." Kitten - Actually those are just bones jutting out, but anyway, I know you have served Vandire for a long time but his megalomaniacal ways must come to an end. Sororitas - Oh. OK.

Sororitas goes offscreen

Sororitas - You have committed the ultimate heresy! Not only have you turned your back on the Emperor, and stepped from His light, you have profaned His name, and almost destroyed everything He has striven to build! You have perverted and twisted the path He has laid out for Mankind to tread! As your own decrees have stated, there can be no mercy for such a criminal! I renounce your lordship! You walk in the darkness, and cannot be allowed to live. Your sentence is long overdue, and now it is time for you to die! Goge Vandire - I don't have time to die, I'M TOO BUSY! Bjorn and Kharn rose their drinks at this. The man may have the person with the most evil name in the history of the Galaxy, but those were some fine last words. Gage could swear he heard Kharn say "sounds like an Ultramarine" but he wasn't sure. Vandire dies offscreen

 (End of flashback)

Emps - RIGHT RIGHT. I THINK I REMEMBER THAT TOO. SOME GIRL CAME IN HERE, AND STARED AT ME WITH DEPRAVED FLUSTERED EYES. IF I HAD THE PROPER BODILY COMPONENTS LEFT, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A FAIRLY INSECURE BONER. "Guess he was left out dry." "BJORN!!" Kitten - That's the Adeptus Sororitas for ya! Emps - ...YOU HAVEN'T MADE FEMALE SPACE MARINES HAVE YOU? Kitten - Huh? Oh no, that isn't even possible. Only lewd and deviant artists ever put pen and parchment to come up with something like that. silently Even then if we catch all of them, we'd have to throw them into the firing squads over the course of years. Emps - GOOD. THE ADEPTUS ASTARTES CAN ONLY CONTAIN MALES. NO GIRLS ALLOWED, THEY ARE YUCKY. "That's not logical. Most of the meat is replaced when undergoing the Astartes transformation anyway." Santar commented, with the Tech Priest taking his side. "I concur, no evidence of the existence of "cooties" has ever been found" The look Jago Sevatarion gave them can be best summed up as "WTF GUYS?!?!?!" Kitten - Whatever you say my Lord. Emps - SO, WHAT'S UP WITH THIS INQUISITION THING? Kitten - O-oh boy! "Well the Inquisition thing can't be worse than this right?" asked Raldoron.